Thursday, August 18, 2016

Think more positive.

I technically almost forgot my own blog address - nampak sangat dah lama tak blogging. Well I had been through quite a bit this past few months and being the mature me blogging about negativity seems so passe - no point sharing all the negative conondrums and infecting people with my moody drama - so I decided to maintain my silence and just keep on to myself.

Which has been ok la for a while. To tell you the truth even when I am all quite people were talking behind my back. Hmm - perhaps its called for, but what the heck la. If I over think all this I will get even more depressed, so screw them. Why must I let others affect me?

Ke manakah pergi my don't care don't mind attitude?

I have to say that this past year my confidence level is seriously burnt to the ground. I have to admit, I lost myself in the process. But then I have been thinking, perhaps I should bring back some good things I did in the past that may do good for me.

Like being nice. Like not caring too much and over thinking.

Like blogging.

Yeah, blogging gave me an outlet to vent out - but I think it also gave me an outlet to reach out to so many people out there and share good stuff that I go through day to day too. Because I think I write good stuff too - and good stuff brings good karma points.

So here's to writing more positive stuff!!!

hip hip hooray!!!.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

Difficult times

Lately, everything is hard. Or at least I find things to be hard at my end.

Hard to sleep at night.

Hard to wake up in the morning and appreciate the sun.

Hard to enjoy the day and smell the roses.

Hard to appreciate the small things.

Hard to breathe.

I think my heart is shedding tears over wounds that no longer bleeds. My body is tired. Emotionally exhausted. 

Tried to count my blessings. Tried to be gratuitous over the blessings life has brought my way but then things was just hard.

Sometimes I wonder how people manage to stay strong. To keep on going. Dalam hati aku ni maybe tuhan baru bagi sejentik - dah menggelupur ; but then I suppose since I never persevered this far then I was never tested.

At the end of it all (if this is the end, though it appears unknown for now) I am just exhausted. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel (like I always hoped for) and I don't know how to be positive over this : I am just beyond myself at the moment I totally blanked out and don't know what to expect or do at all.

I wish I could stay strong. But what if staying strong is just pointless , then why waste it? Because all the efforts are unseen, unappreciated - its as if I never put the effort in the first place ; so why bother?

Yeah why bother.

So I kept myself numb. Drown myself with work. With hopes that this dreadful hardship will eventually wither off and things will eventually sort by itself.Its like turning on a ticking time bomb, just waiting for it to explode.

Sigh.

Lets all hope for the best.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Where the hell have I been? Through hell, the moon and back....perhaps.

Perhaps the better question is what has happened to the funny witty me?

Writers block is a bitch. Then life happens. Just tones and tones of work that keeps on piling a never ending mountain. I try to write of the shittiness that happens to me daily with thoughts of rainbows and unicorns - I know that seems to sound as if I am delusional but hey, whatever la, as long as it rocks my boat then what others think do not matter. So instead of shit I actually have rainbows.

Lucky me.

My fengshui reading this year appears to be a lot of positive - considering somehow roosters are besties with monkeys and monkey year brings good fortune to roosters. Of course they say I can boost my prosperity if I put a flag on some part of my house and park gold stuff at another end of the house - I am yet to do that, because seriously my house is a mess I am scared the boosters might get lost in between tones of I don't know what. But I think I still have time to clean up and place my boosters all around the house since technically the Hokkien new year just kicked in yesterday (I think) and its not Chap Goh Meh yet. So yeah, maybe I should get that done pronto. Before all this new year jiggy ends.

*Grin*

Lama kan I tak ramble?

Bahahahaha.

Anyways I got tonnes of make up last week (and new brushes - dance dance!) and I think I should start putting on make up more often and make others feel a little bit lively when I enter the room. Of late I felt like everyone took me in as a buzzkill simply because I heard it was said that I wreck havoc - perhaps I am some sort of a tornado - but hey, things happen for a reason. Perhaps me in make-up will cheer people up and make them feel less defensive. Sigh. Classic china doll routine ni. I never thought I'll have to go through life having the need to bat my eyelashes but then God already gave me eyelashes so why am I so darn against batting it?

Sometimes independent women thing is a good thing, when you can't do independent women then terpaksa be a women and bat those freaking eyelashes.

Just saying.

One's gotta live.

Thank God that the worse is over for now. I get to go back on time this past couple of days and catch up on sleep more. Sleep has been lacking too much this past couple of weeks. My back aches like a bitch. I still need to see my doctor on that. Of course the pain wont just go away in a bleep. My work environment is hazardous to my health you know.

Till later, you guys stay positive.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

HAppy V Day y'all!

Its Valentines Day and I am showing some love to my work by being at the office on a Sunday. Not that its anything abnormal considering that I have been clocking in weekends at work over the past couple of weeks over tight year end deadlines. But all is good. Hopefully this will be the last weekend at work this year end routine and starting next week all schedule goes back to normal.

I was so tired I spent the whole day in bed yesterday. I woke up late past noon and pulled my bed covers and watch TV in bed all day - except for the hour I took to have lunch outside and the other hour I went out to grab coffee with Tina. Oh my I need to get a life. MY back is aching like hell, thanks to being rooted to the chair and lack of exercise this past week. I keep on telling myself that all this will be over soon and I can take all the time in the world to again stretch my back and ease of the pain but then again the next day the whole story is still in gear 5 and I am still rooted to the same old chair.

Sigh.

Then again this is the final week. Crossing my fingers. All things good the papers will fly by mid next week and there will be a new normal.

Got to keep on staying positive.

Another hour at work and I am clocking out. Ageing is a bitch. Working too hard aint helping. I can see my face sagging and the my eyes keep sinking deeper and deeper. I practically age overnight everyday. At some point make up cant help anymore.

So not cool.

So let make the next hour count.

:)

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Conflict

I hate being in conflict. The thing about conflicts are no matter how strong I look and how cold or chill I may seem, I have always been the one to be very nervous and anxious inside. Despite being able to be very vocal at some point in expressing my opinions, I usually tend to regret even saying anything about it later (especially when it involves high pitched notations) and later find it difficult to breathe, eat or sleep. I feel quite suffocated inside. At the end of the day its just very tiring holding the fort all-together. I feel like taking my lights out but obviously I am not that crazy just yet, so no - lights are kept on and on and on. 

And so the cycle continues. On and off.

Hell yeah, I am very very terrible at dealing with conflict.

Its even worse if by somewhat twisted fate the conflict tends to prolonged to a couple of days (or maybe even weeks)....I might end up to turn into a nervous wreck. And seriously, it might sound crazy but some (or maybe many) won't even notice that I am actually in a conflict situation because I tend to play ignorance and divert my attention elsewhere.

I know. Not good. 

I should be taking it all in like an adult. Gulp away all the horrors and man up about it.

But I am a coward. Hati tisu. Always end up being the one giving in. But at the end do they even appreciate it? I mean the fact that I actually gave in. After a while its more like a sign of weakness. Being taken for granted and all.

Sigh.

I want to believe that I am stronger than this. Wiser after all this years.

Now I just gotta believe it.