Friday, July 31, 2009
Because I should have faith that there's still a lot of time to achieve so many things in life.
Because I should believe that I am better than what I think I am.
Because the future is yet to be certain.
Sitting in the Decision Analysis course somewhat makes me rethink my priorities, and dream new dream. At some point I took a step back and feel slightly scared, but then to come to think about it, there are a lot of people out there who had taken the leap, made it in one way or another and never look back.
At least these people would not regret back and ask "what if" q's to themselves.
In which I ask myself too much lately.
So I am still working on the list. And hopefully while working on it I can set aside this crappy feeling inside me.
I - from now on - would not tolerate whatsoever feeling he imposed unto or against me. I chose not to feel or care anymore. I chose to take a fullstop.
He made me feel like crap for 2 weeks now. Thats the longest any man had ever put me in that position.
So I am taking over my life now and kiss that crappy feeling goodbye.
Note : sometimes it helps to shout out a resolution and put a foot down. This is my foot down on 4 inch high heels.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Sigh. The point at the end of the day satu je - make one good decision now and the rest will flow in place.
Which is a good message by the way. Can be applied both profesionally and personally.
Will keep that in mind and in check. Maybe if I can do good by it I will share it with the rest of the world someday. Knowing me selalunya benda-benda motivational macam ni semuanya macam hangat-hangat tahi ayam je kan. But then this is the time to change. To start something anew. Maybe this will be a good stepping stone that will somehow bring better things in life.
Who knows. Always think positive, kan?
I'll be spending the weekend at my mom. It's the one fateful weekend I should keep myself composed and not drive myself to the wall, so I am taking it all in like a women.
Strong, poised, with full of dignity.
I have my pride you know. And its not going to go down just because of crap like this.
I am trying to hold on a few good thoughts, and one very good thought is tonight's movie night out with Komala (and Wen Chu, maybe...and perhaps Jac jac....she's always around for a good movie).
Buzz you guys on the movie tomorrow. You have a good day!
*yeah, coz I never hated exams...in a way they never bothered me. what gives me butterflies is when my boss comes up with unexpected things and expect me to have a crystal ball and somehow make it happen. I wish divinity was in my accounting syllabus, but hell it wasn't*
So far time passes quickly. In between classes we have tea breaks and such...and today is yet another day where I start bloating myself up with food.
I'll try to remember to cut down coffee and drink more plain water.
I do know what I'm going to do after work thouh. Kom is getting us tix to go for this later....
What a good way to spend singlehood aint it? With your gal pal watching chick flicks?
I hope this movie doesn't give me butterflies.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Kalau ikutkan hati nak je drown my sorrows in shopping. Nothing beats retail theraphy. But over the years I have learnt that it's not the best way to curb my sadly remote loneliness in the first place. I will end up running out of the "retail theraphy high" the momend I bring the shopping bag to my apartment and load of the things....
By then only one question will hit me....
"Why do I need all this stuff in the first place?"
Too bad that there is no such thing as a "return policy" in Malaysia, especially if you buy items on sale (in which I like to do a lot, coz paying full price is a bitch) kalau tak there's no harm in splurging and later returning the stuff you bought the next day kan? At least kalau ada such policy when the high is off you can rest assure that your purse can still be saved. Sigh.
On another note I am somewhat relieved that this time around I am practicing caution and restraint against spending. I remember back in those day I would not give a damn and just purchase whatever I want...expecially those that make me feel good.
At least I have no regrets at the end of the day.
I have to get a new hobby.
Oh thanks...you reminded that I am suppose to start reading...with my new Sophie Kinsella book and all. And yes, I have started reading slowly, and I am definitely having a good time reading it because even in the first ten pages, she makes me laugh.
Or at least smile la.
Now that my sis is off my back for a couple of days I might get the chance to go to it full time, and hopefully, finish the book by the end of the week. Sigh. Yeah, once I love a book gigih je membaca....hahahaha.
In which is good. Reading keeps your brain moving.
Next month comes the time of reflection. My aim is to take a step back and seriously re-asses my life and priorities and come up with 100 things I want to do before I hit 30. So by end august, the list will be up and lets cross them out one by one...and hopefully in between doing it, I will eventually find myself.
Sounds like a plan.
*and yeah, since lately I macam tak berkira makan apa kan, so as long as there is food and my stomach wont churn 360 degrees, I am practically okay with anything*
I picked up 5 pieces of yong tau foo and added clear soup to it, and had one piece of char koay on top of that as carbs of the day. Oh my, once I am done with it I rasa bloated nak mati....as if I ate too much....padahal ada 5 pieces of yong tau foo je in the bowl...no noodles or rice.
*yeap - i pilih 1 stuff terung, one fried foocook, 1 fishball and 2 fishcake - thats like very few compared to my normal average person*
Despite feeling full, I tapau'ed a piece of fried red bean bun for later.
Damn. I don't even have the appetite for all this but I am forcing food in like a monster. Because if I don't, then I won't be eating. And not eating is not good.
Sekarang dah overfed....menyesal?
Hopefully my weight keep on going down, despite all this. People, do pray for me.
I have been wanting to watch this one since 2 weeks back. And I am suppose to watch it with him.
Okay stop it...lets not go there.
The movie is based on a true story of a notorious bank robbers in the 1930's named Jon Dillinger, and surprisingly, he's just an average guy with just an average look....as you can see in this wanted mugshots...
But lo and behold.....70 years something later, Hollywood revamped him into somewhat a juicy bad biy everone wants to be with.....
Oh Johnny Depp....you will forever be my one true love that never dissapoint me, your presence....
Ehem ehem...I am addressing the public here, let's not go to the mush mush.
It a 2 and a half hour movie depicting the life (and eventually death) of JD and his gang of robbers and the pursuit of the FBI agent, Melvin Purvis (acted by Christian Bale - somehow in here he's not as juicy as Mr Batman) to catch the cheeky thieves.
Or maybe profesional. In the book of thieves.
The scene is set in the 1930's and they have the set nailed down to the very last bit....the town, the costume, the guns, the cars...
Anyways, JD's love interest is none other than the famous Lady Dior's Marion Cottilard...
What I don't really like about the movie is the fact that police back in those days simply execute the robbers to the end and not nothering to apprehend them with evidence and tried them judicially. I know, its so much simpler to just shoot a bandit and get it over and done with rather than go through years in court and jail but then, no matter how bad a person is, don't they deserve a fair trial?
All in all I would give it a go if you're looking for heavy drama. The plot is a bit slow, but is watchable. Expect a strong cast...if you look closely even the 5 minute scene of Pretty Boy Floyd is acted by Channing Tatum. and they also have Leelee Sobieski in it.
I just enjoy it because JD is an eye-candy. Period.
.....plus there's pending insanity that remains unsettled to date...seriously aku tak suka tersepit kat tengah-tengah ni, its insane. Sekarang ni who's the victim?
And today is just one of those days that it suddenly resurfaces.
Hey, aku bukan sengaja nak buat-buat lupa...but then if you guys yuang cari pasal between each other why the hell must you be such a jerk and act all gungho as if you own the world?
Sumpah nanti satu hari it'll get back to you very very bad.
And when the time do come, I won't even care a bit.
Two more days and I'll be back home with my mom. Sigh. Its been a long time since I've been looking forward to going back, and maybe its a bit timely to do now with puasa coming around soon....
*at the end of the day everyone goes home to their families....sooner or later, it doen't matter....because only they truly understand you*
Cheer up! Many good things are in store!
Can't wait. Think positive. *chants repeatedly*
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
At least to keep our spirits up. Have not ever thought of putting it that way till I found the pics in google.
In which brings to a lot of wise words such as....
....forgive and forget.....no matter how hard it is, so your heart can be free....
....karma will always get back at you....so work on good karma. At least if it doesn't benefit you know your children won't go through such pains because of you.....
.....deep inside you are stronger than this....and this would somehow make sense after a while. So do not give up on yourself.
.....no other person can make you happy than yourself. Others can only make you happy if you let them to, it also work otherwise.
In some way I see happiness as a drug in my system in which at this point, is running low. I need an injection, a return to faith. In which case I should have realised long ago that it is somewhat impossible to ever run out in the first place, because as opposed to being depressed and sad....there is a high probability to be happy in many different ways....
And most probably everything else will come in place.
Because back then nothing scares me. Okay, not that I have no fear....literally I am independant and face each day with courage to a point that I don't let others hold me back.
Why should I let one person deprive me of the happiness I deserve?
*like eva's pics. darn cute. made me smile all morning.....i have to get more of those...*
So I shouldn't stop trying....not now.
I am definitely stronger than this. *chant chant*
You know what will make me really happy now???
At 11am my phone buzzed.
Era - sms : Whats up babe?
I called her up. At first intended to catch a movie. But then when we reached OU all shows we wanted will only start at 1.50pm and we cant make it coz Era need's to leave by 3pm.
So, we shop instead.
Okay, more like I help her shop.
*grin - I don't think retail therapy will do me any good at this juncture. It will hurt my purse pretty bad, plus it road tax month. Sigh*
She need's to get something for a farewell barbeque luncheon later, and she goes on and on about how wacky her ex-collegue is and so it hit me.....
If he's that crazy why don't we get Mr P stuff?
She shot me a blank look.
Hahahahahah...she never heard of Mr P.
We went around, and found it at a gift shop at 2nd floor and she instantly love it. Wanna see what we got?
Cute ain't it?
I personally love the lamp!
After we got the gifts, I grabbed a few something something at La Senza (it was on sale!!!And I get to have extra discount being a OneCard member and all) and had coffee jelly frappucino at Starbucks.
At least half of the day went off in a breeze.
Monday, July 27, 2009
In fact, I refresh every 30 seconds.
Bunyi macam takde life but then I love it. It keeps me in touch with peeps. And even now when I have my sis's lappy with me....I felt more like twittering than blogging.
Don't get me wrong. Rasa macam tak gung-ho pulak nak berblogging kalau tak banyak piccas.
Anyways, do add me ok. Link to my twitter is at the sidebar.
And about 2 weeks back (oh this post is long due...sebab dia propose to his girlfriend the week I got the A-bomb....bummer!) I got to be part of something special....
My Brother Tan proposes to his girlfriend Debbie and we scheming lunatics helped him out with preps!
Oh, deep inside my Brother Tan is a very romantic person. So romantic he had a proposal plan all carved out nicely, and submitted to the event managers for approval....
*the real deal....candles and what not....oh my, proposal aku dulu pun tak seganteng ini!!!*
So equipped with a banner and a can of spray, we head to create a...
Hahahahaha!!! That's Nikki and Li Kai goofing around with the letters. Before they rush off to Oz fora long break, they have nicely carved out the letters so we can later spary them out on a banner...
My only contribution....standing by and taking piccas....heheheheh! penting okeh. Nanti boleh tayang on the wedding slideshow!
Tapi i tak la dok senang lenang je....gatal tangan jugak....so I sprayed the mid section that says "Will You"....
Oh dah siap!!!!
And for all our hard work....Brother Tan rewarded us with this.....
And now....jeng, jeng jeng.....
The reherseal bit.....
What? Did she say yes?
Of course...with all that and the blig bling who would say no?
*Melting inside dy!*
Children and the joy they bring...even from far.
Pics were taken during my Tita Mari's and Tito Sonny's visit to Michelle and Josh's place in Texas recently. Ahhh.....the pics are damn lovely, I wish I am in one of them!!!!
Gila diva....kecik-kecik dah pandai melaram pakai sunnies. Hahahahaah!.
Anway, I think I have a pic with this hairdo as well...
Gila scary. Hahahah. I don't think she like it. I don't think I like that hair-do...
Did I mom? Or is it Tita Mari punya kerja?
Back when I was one Tita Mari use to babysit me from time to time....its not impossible she put that hairdo on me, and now.....about 27 years later....on Eva.
Smile. Small miracles.
I think all the tears I have had dried up...and though its still pains me, I am now moving forward one step at a time. No more begging nonsense....I am psyching myself for better things in life that I can simply achieve on my own. Like....
- bungee jumping! wo!biggest fear ever!
- travelling the world! I would save my money, travel my way....and no one is stopping me....
-looking my best - the best make-up, the coolest wardrobe....and no man nagging that I somewhat overspend or shop too much or its such a waste....
That, among others.
So there's a lot to be excited about.
I am passed stage 2 of the whole breakup deal and in amidst obsessing with stuff...all lucid and demented in its own ways but mostly, I think they are fears. So I vow that this week onwards, I am going to bravely face it and get it over and done with....and hopefully I can skip "denial".
*or maybe I've done denial at stage 1 but then didn't realise it. I won't want to go through denial...it would suck!*
Anyways, cherry of the day is my newly acquired Sophie Kinsella book...
*oh so looking forward to it*
Agak timely okeh the release of the book, as if she knew I needed guidance and this is her gift to me...because she is telling the story how a girl can get her life back!
You go girl! Me love you mucho!
Though its a slight dejavu to Ghost of Girlfriend Past (coz in the book, the main character is also guided by a dead relative), I bet Sophie can take my mind off things, bring new perspective and somehow make me smile.
Another milestone today...I finally finished my lunch! Every single bite of it!
Ok, the serving is not that big. But at least I finish the whole thing....rather than makan sesuap dua je.....hip hip hooray!
My appetite has been on the low side lately that so far I have shed 3.4kgs in total...since the whole ordeal about 10 days back. There's a positive and negative side to it....but the good thing is baju i semua dah muat balik.
*In which I am oh-so-grateful!Save!Tak payah beli baju baru!...for now*
But no worries...I amtrying to eat healthily but substituting my lack of appetite to broken down small meals every 3 hours or so...which keeps my stomach a-ok.
*if this goes on steadily for another month....hahahaha...mak nanti gorjes dan ada bikini body...so sape yang menyumpah seranah badan aku awal bulan haritu sila bersedia untuk kejutan*
OKk, dah lari topik.
I better get back to work. I have a presentation to finish.
Friday, July 24, 2009
I manage to get a bit of a shut eye before heading to TGV OU at 8pm...itupun kira lambat sebab Liza and Ben was there since half an hour earlier. As I head to meet Liza the Nuffnang registration counter was already open, so yours truly happily went to pick up the free tix reserved for us.
*Mucho Gracias Nuffnang!!!!*
While waiting for the movie teman Farah grab a bite at Kebab King...
Well...the kebab looks delicious.....but I end up with only orange juice....
The movie was funny, and its a warm chick flick movie nice enough to cuddle up with your better half.
I berat hati nak elaborate banyak-banyak. Nanti terkenang-kenang. So if you want to know more, go and watch!
Farah said I lost weight. That's not as bad as the remark I got from a new collegue of mine during lunch....
N : Kak Zu, akak sakit ke?
Well, I'll be damned! Obviously I don't pour my heart to absolute strangers la (ok, at least not to my new officemates la....nanti tak pasal-pasal kena label bermasalah) but then its so transparent already.
This has to stop.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I may not answered your comments individually but I appreaciate the support...thank you so much.
And all my siblings from different parents - namely Komala (my biggest cheerleader), Wen Chu, Wei Liew and Haresh - thanks for everything. I drew strength from you, and I am gratefull of everything you had extended to me.
*Gosh, u guys are the best man!*
Not to forget Era (who extends her hand immediately when I came out of the cocoon), Dayana (who tirelessly listens and encourages) and my blogger babes (who continuosly cheers and shared my pain, yes peeja...your included....as well as liza, farah, tina, noy, chics and alia).
Last but not the least...I would like to thank my sis - Ani - and my mom. Yeah, I love you guys too.
This is difficult. This is painful. But thank God for you guys this is somewhat bearable now.
*Macam mana nak concentrate ni?*
I got lost in between technical jargons and messed up head....syikes, kenapa la macm ni yo????
I need something to take my mind of things. If work can't give me that solace, then where should I seek them?
Back then there was always work to fall back to, and being in audit, working freaking hard is the best thing that every audit employer wants.
Now that I am settled in something else totally new, its a pressure to me to catch up in this "trying" moments. Gosh. Its even more depressing when you can't get a single word through. Sigh.
*chanting : I am stronger than this*
Whatever it is I hope I can bounce back soon. And in due time, this will be easy peasy. Now first , to work on that peace ofmind I am longing deeply inside.
"Its okay to mourn. Its okay to cry. Just let it all out"
And despite how bad it looks like, it somehow makes me feel better. Its like the pain washes out through my tearducts, and though it made the situation looks so bad, it doesn't matter as long as it makes me feel better.
Have you had those days when you just felt like crying but don't know why?
Look at this as one of those days.....its just that this time you can pin a reason to it.
I just received an interesting comment today....
*Sudah la tu? Ko ingat semua ni sonang ko?*
I can take this comment both ways, positively being its a sign of concern and I highly appreciate that, or on the flipside, negatively as a sign of disgust.
If you're disgusted of the situation I am in, you can axe the webbie when you reach my page. Don't leave a comment. I am sharing my heartbreak so that in the future, I myself can reflect back on what I have gone through. In the process, my friends (or whoever wants to be friends with me) can understand me better as to where I am coming from.
For many who had been in my shoes (in which is surprisingly disturbing to know....is a lot out there), thank you for your guidance and concern. Yes, letting it out and crying does help.
And to others who think that crying won't solve a thing......do reconsider. Sometimes you have to go through the pain in order to move on, and crying won't hurt if it will help you make sense out of things and make you grow stronger.
Peace...and love, perhaps....
*or as blue as this one?*
*or maybe the most handsome around???*
Or would we be scared and discriminate?
To me it'll be cool to have an alien neighbour, so long that we all can understand how to co-exist in harmony.....like in our own multi-cultural society here in Malaysia.
But then lets say that we do take certain things for granted and out of fear, or zealousness or greed, in some way tried to take advantage of the other, what will happen???
If the question interest you and you're a sci-fi buff, this movie might enlighten many....
Directed from the very people who made X-Men Origins possible, comes Neill Blomkamp’s newest film, District 9. The movie revolves on an alien refugee settlement set up in South Africa's District 9, which camps the remaining survivor aliens from another planet.
As the world argues over what to do to these lot refered to as "non-humans", a private company , Multi National Unit (MNU), was given the mandate to maintain control over the aliens - and if they manage to make any of the alien weapons to work.....they get in return, a lot of dosh!
That's simply cruel. Taking adavntages of others for own benefit. But then too bad for them, nothing they did ever work. None of their test ever brings good bearings because to activate the weapons, alien DNA is required.....and it was all dead end till....
One of their very own agent is contracted with a virus that alters the human DNA sequence to non-human.
Now that "one" particular human is on the run....
I heard rave reviews on the net over the CGI used...and I found it really interesting. Apart from the humanitarian message, I believe this would be the next must watch for the month....on top of Harry Potter, Public Enemies...and of course, The Ghost of Girlfriend's Past in which I will be happily watching today at TGV OU!
So Nuffnang dearie, can I get the free tix now????
Robot Chicken - Giraffe in Quicksand
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
In one of the LinkWithin features today is an entry I wrote about a while back on "I dont get women who don't get it".
As I read on, I am now in the shoes of one of them.
Its hard to accept the fact to finally realise that its hard to let go. That despite being emotionally beaten down and exhausted, I am still in love with that jerk.
That "that jerk" is somewhat "my jerk" and all this while I have been keeping him, putting up with him....and in the process, it has eaten up a hole in me. That I somewhat changed. And the tolerance changed me.
The strong independant women in me had a soft spot....and that soft spot is hurt by its own jerk.
At least I am already entering past Step 1 : When Reality Kicks In and now moving to the next step , Step 2 : Trying to Admit the Fact and Face Reality.
I might be saddened....but I am trying to let go now. It's hard, and its lonely, but I am trying to slowly piece back my strength and my courage and re-assess the things I want from life.
At this juncture, its hard not to look back. Because the point of re-assessing my priorities and future direction is to look back, weight my pro's and con's and set new goals. all this while all I wanted was to settle down and have a family, and be happy with the ones who love me....but then ultimate goal number one is now crushed ain't it?
And everytime I look back....it hurts.
Maybe, the pain is necessary. I don't know. Maybe it'll be justified in due course. Maybe I won't know what I am missing until I get things straight and start changing habits and comfort zone lost.
This might take some time.
On another note, I got a very sound advise when I was at Step 1 from an ex-roomie, Dayana.
When she called me up, I was a wreck. I cried non-stop. I felt stupid. I keep on telling myself how stupid of me to trust, to even think that he actually do mean the things that he said in light of the things that had happened. That I should have known better and the fact that I didn't pick it up is my fault, a weakness on my behalf.
What she said stunned me....
"You're not stupid. You fought for your love, and there's nothing stupid with it. Its just lost. And there's nothing wrong with losing."
Its simply a matter of lost cause.
Maybe it hit me so hard because I was always so carefull with my heart, no one ever defeated me in love. The moment I gave in to him I wanted it to happen so bad that when it finally didn't work out, I realise that all my sense of security is gone as well.
Its like failing an exam paper the first time.
*it sucks for me because I never fail*
Looking back I accepted that decision to be with him might not be wise (since we immediately get together 3 months after we met) but nevertheless, I tried my best to make it work.
Love made me blind.
That doesn't make me stupid.
I should give myself more credit. I worked on the relationship...very hard. I put effort and determination. Its just that it not a fit for either of us.
So now, I have to learn to let go.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
He's getting engaged on the 1st of August.
In between trying to work things out apparently he cheated and finally made up his mind on another woman. Less than 6 months....that fast.
I am coping. I am adjusting. I was upset, I have to admit that somehow its driving me to the wall...
No matter how hard and calm my exterior was before I never thought the news would shake me this bad. Maybe there's a piece of me deep inside that actually hopes that some thing might work, or somehow believed in what he said and his promises....
And that's the reason for my silence of late. 4 days of mourning.
I still am sad. I would be lying if I say that I am ok. But somehow I will find a way to get through this. For the meantime I have met several friends who had given me very good advise, so good that it consols me...and maybe in time I should share them with all of you so that we can all learn from this.
Pray for me.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Those were the days. hahahahaha.
But then now everyone has a family kan, takkan la I nak selfish-selfish paksa orang layan aku breakfast pagi-pagi. Sendiri maklum la by right now I am suppose to be at her shoes, so kena la understanding even when I'm not.
Besides, takkan nak tinggalkan Mika seorang diri...sian dia.
kalau dapat breakfast like these kan best....
This is one of the time that I miss my mom. Kalau dia ada bangun pagi mesti ada breakfast.
*Mostly sebab my brother kaki makan. Pastu dia boleh pergi beli nasi lemak la, roti canai la.....hish...mentang-mentang kereta tu ada je terpacak kat depan umah tu, senang hati la dia panjang kaki ambik kunci*
This saturday is another saturday I'll be spending breakfast alone. Might as well sleep in a bit. Since takde orang nak layan aku.
I should just drop by Mont Kiara GCC and watch Chi shoot hoops for the IAFG finals.
That could do good as well....
Friday, July 17, 2009
I know...coffee is rich in anti-oxidents. Maya Karin keep on repeating that line every day in both the radio and the tube, like over and over again. But overdosing is really bad.
Coz whare the heck do you think all my lemak tepu came from???
To tell you the truth nescafe or kopi susu adalah my favourite tea time drink. Not to mention I have a wild fascination over Starbucks uber rich frappucino's and Coffee Bean's weekend breakfast....I am definitely a big fan of coffee.
Back in my audit days I use to take between 8 to 10 cups a day, in which proves very harmfull now on the amount of cellulite and orange peel I have on my thigh.
*And losing them is such a bitch. tak percaya try la adik-adik sekalian, yang kuat minum coffee tu....ko tunggu la 5 tahun lagi tengok apa jadi...boleh?*
Back then I was a professed addict....
Tips to look out for...signals of an addict. But then tak dinafikan la that huge amount of caffein can keep you going on for hours on and, and if you don't have the stomach to indulge on food, you will be stick thin.
There are also some crazy celebrities who actually swore on caffein diet. But I don't see the point. Caffein overdose age the skin faster. Not good either.
Back when I moved to my prior employer I start cutting down...
And was introduced to tea! Chinese tea!
But then, tea is neither as exciting nor as bold as coffee.
Now that I am back on early morning routines and need to stay up all day, I realise that I am back to one cup per every 4 hour block....
That makes 2 mugs per day...one in the morning and one after lunch. Let's just hope I don't go wacko of overdose...
Will be mindfull of the intake come next week forward....maybe I should get a smaller mug?
It's Friday peeps!Have a good weekend y'all!