I wish I am somewhat angry, and that the rage in me can wipe out the pain. But then I don't know why that instead of being angry, I am feeling desperate. As if I am pushed to the wall.....
In one of the LinkWithin features today is an entry I wrote about a while back on "I dont get women who don't get it".
As I read on, I am now in the shoes of one of them.
Its hard to accept the fact to finally realise that its hard to let go. That despite being emotionally beaten down and exhausted, I am still in love with that jerk.
That "that jerk" is somewhat "my jerk" and all this while I have been keeping him, putting up with him....and in the process, it has eaten up a hole in me. That I somewhat changed. And the tolerance changed me.
The strong independant women in me had a soft spot....and that soft spot is hurt by its own jerk.
At least I am already entering past Step 1 : When Reality Kicks In and now moving to the next step , Step 2 : Trying to Admit the Fact and Face Reality.
I might be saddened....but I am trying to let go now. It's hard, and its lonely, but I am trying to slowly piece back my strength and my courage and re-assess the things I want from life.
At this juncture, its hard not to look back. Because the point of re-assessing my priorities and future direction is to look back, weight my pro's and con's and set new goals. all this while all I wanted was to settle down and have a family, and be happy with the ones who love me....but then ultimate goal number one is now crushed ain't it?
And everytime I look back....it hurts.
Maybe, the pain is necessary. I don't know. Maybe it'll be justified in due course. Maybe I won't know what I am missing until I get things straight and start changing habits and comfort zone lost.
This might take some time.
On another note, I got a very sound advise when I was at Step 1 from an ex-roomie, Dayana.
When she called me up, I was a wreck. I cried non-stop. I felt stupid. I keep on telling myself how stupid of me to trust, to even think that he actually do mean the things that he said in light of the things that had happened. That I should have known better and the fact that I didn't pick it up is my fault, a weakness on my behalf.
What she said stunned me....
"You're not stupid. You fought for your love, and there's nothing stupid with it. Its just lost. And there's nothing wrong with losing."
Its simply a matter of lost cause.
Maybe it hit me so hard because I was always so carefull with my heart, no one ever defeated me in love. The moment I gave in to him I wanted it to happen so bad that when it finally didn't work out, I realise that all my sense of security is gone as well.
Its like failing an exam paper the first time.
*it sucks for me because I never fail*
Looking back I accepted that decision to be with him might not be wise (since we immediately get together 3 months after we met) but nevertheless, I tried my best to make it work.
Love made me blind.
That doesn't make me stupid.
I should give myself more credit. I worked on the relationship...very hard. I put effort and determination. Its just that it not a fit for either of us.
So now, I have to learn to let go.