...from the beginning of time,
in childhood, I thought
that pain meant
I was not loved.
It meant I loved.
-Louise Gluck, Ararat-
There are times when I can't help but reminisce and yet again, feel the stabbing pain in my heart while I cry a tearless cry deep down inside me....and at some point, I hated a lot of people for it. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate my grandmother. (yes, apa kes la tetiba my grandmother is suddenly part of this but that is much a different story to be told). At some point I wonder when will all the pain and hating will stop.
Will I ever find peace?
Shouldn't I have expected this in the first place?
Why am I so angry?
I am so blessed that I found at least a moment of peace with my yoga practice. Though not perfect in many ways, still the exercise is not only physical, but also of mental focus that brings me away from whatever pain I have inside me. The sadness, the anger, the hate....
Again, when will all this stop?
I am again blessed that yoga makes me patient. And calm. And I have friends who cared and understood me. It is so true that during times like this you get to know who you're friends are. I am again truly blessed that despite me shutting the whole wide world, there are some of them that slowly opens the window for me and showed me the light.
So why should I be angry and hateful again?
Why can't I realise the many good things I have with me and move forward?
I don't understand it till I found the quote from Louise Gluck. Then I realised....
I simply loved. And for that I hurt. In time as I let the love go, the hurt will go away.
Now I get it.
Now I just need more patience. and work on letting go.