Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Looking back....

...from the beginning of time,
in childhood, I thought
that pain meant
I was not loved.
It meant I loved.
-Louise Gluck, Ararat-

There are times when I can't help but reminisce and yet again, feel the stabbing pain in my heart while I cry a tearless cry deep down inside me....and at some point, I hated a lot of people for it. I hate myself. I hate him. I hate my grandmother. (yes, apa kes la tetiba my grandmother is suddenly part of this but that is much a different story to be told). At some point I wonder when will all the pain and hating will stop.

Will I ever find peace?

Shouldn't I have expected this in the first place?

Why am I so angry?

I am so blessed that I found at least a moment of peace with my yoga practice. Though not perfect in many ways, still the exercise is not only physical, but also of mental focus that brings me away from whatever pain I have inside me. The sadness, the anger, the hate....

Again, when will all this stop?

I am again blessed that yoga makes me patient. And calm. And I have friends who cared and understood me. It is so true that during times like this you get to know who you're friends are. I am again truly blessed that despite me shutting the whole wide world, there are some of them that slowly opens the window for me and showed me the light.

So why should I be angry and hateful again?

Why can't I realise the many good things I have with me and move forward?

I don't understand it till I found the quote from Louise Gluck. Then I realised....

I simply loved. And for that I hurt. In time as I let the love go, the hurt will go away.

Now I get it.

Now I just need more patience. and work on letting go.


naji said...

it's good to knw you managed to find sumtin as useful as yoga to keep yourself distracted. n to stay focus. good friends also help a lot.ur lucky to have many :)

Zuraida said...

Dear Naji,

Im stil;l in search of spiritual peace, and hopefully one day it'll bring me back to the faith that I held on.

And not that I have many friends. *smile*. I just have enough that understands. Sebab seriously, kawan gelak ramai...kawan sedih boleh kira dengan jari.


Astrea said...

Dear Zue,

I've been following your blog and i too can related with this experience of yours for i have my heart broken into many tiny pieces a few months ago...

I am still trying my best to heal... and believe me, it is hard... and it doesn't help when the memory keeps sneaking its way into my mind every now and then... but i know it'll get better, just that i can't wait for the time to be better to come... so i resigned to the fact i must be patient...

there's this quote by Samuel Jackson that i found so true and i put it in my blog yesterday :

""While grief is fresh, every attempt to divert only irritates. You must wait till it be digested, and then amusement will dissipate the the remains of it."

take care...

Zuraida said...

Dear Astrea,

Many thanks for the kind words. Will keep in mind.