Thursday, December 27, 2012

Space

...something I need but somehow I don't think I'm blessed with.

Sigh.

When I thought that I would finally find time to sit back, gather my thoughts and use the weekend to clean up and spring clean before the new year (and the new semester starts) the house just needs to be crowded again.  Macam ni sampai bila pun rumah ni macam tongkang pecah sebab I don't have the space and the motivation to clean it. By the time I do have space later (that is when everyone is not around) work will be stretching me thin pulak.

Nanti cakap lebih lebih lain pulak jadinya.

So not in the mood.

4 days to new year. Hope your long weekend will be way better than mine.

xoxo.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Catching up with the furious....

Who would have thought I'd be home on xmas?

:)

Penat la weyh.  The last one month had been crazy, and tiring. I suppose that since I've left all the "working late mojo" behind me it kinda took a while to get used to the long working hour and piling papers and numbers.  Seriously, work is no joke....and its end December okay. 

Sigh. Imagine what will happen to me after new year.

:p

Anyways I took the time today to just recuperate. Woke up late. Eat. Sleep. And watched back to back version of the Fast and the Furious - from F&F no 1.


Oh I miss Vin Diesel. He's super macho.

*drool...yeah I can drool. Coz nobody would bother. Lucky me. Heheheeh*

I have one more to go.

Till later peeps!

xoxo.

Happy Holiday's Y'all!!!!

From someone who has been mostly silent the whole year and not so merry (since I think if I look back , I missed out on wishing on many many festive occasions)  I suppose I can do little by wishing everyone....


.....and a Happy New Year.

Don't over imagine okay. I could never fit is super mini skirts and go bare at the mid drifts.

:P

Have a good break peeps. 6 days to a whole new year. A whole new mess...and opportunities a like...don't you just love how a year can unfold like mystery gifts?

Be safe on the road ok!

xoxo.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Mari check out piccas Bobo and Bambam

This set of photos has been taken a while back....tapi since my super lazy me ni malas nak blogging all the pics just stayed in my pic folder dalam lappy je la. My two (remaining) kittens had grown to be the more than average cat fatso's with bulu kembang and all so yeah, they are quite adorable.

To tell you the truth they are quite naughty at times, I rasa nak jual je ok. Tapi my sister is quite attached to them, macam kesian pualk. Everything I ugut nak jual my sister will go "what??? why??? jangan la jual...they are cute apa???". Tapi then tak adventure la sebab they are super lazy like us as well and no matter how rajin you try nak main with them they will just sit at a spot and stare at you.

Bagus.

But bila time tengah active tu rasa macam nak roboh la pulak kucing ni berlari and jumping around. To a point they can jump in between book cases and sofa. Huish. Horror. If you are on the sofa jangan harap la terselamat....they will just run over you like you're a fixture.

Sebab tu la if one day terjual kucing kucing ni you should understand why.

:p

Anyways, enjoy them for now.

xoxo.
















Sunday, December 23, 2012

Lost in music.....


Readers had been complaining that I should write more. Hahahaha. I suppose if I write more about pain people will start puking. There is definitely not enough love to go around. But I don't wish to give up just yet. Its somewhere out there....I just have to believe good things will happen in due time.

Work has been super awesome. Okay, perhaps I can do with a lighter workload and better hours, but such things has its own cycle kan...so perhaps my laid back days are over and I just have to suck it up like the rest of the world and work my ass off (ho yeah....I was recently reminded that nothing comes easy la kan, so  okla insaf sekejap) but the work has so far made me better, so I suppose its not such a bad thing to give it a shot.

Its been weeks since I actually get to get to stop and do my own things, I have spent so much time at work and in front of my lappy that my eyes went all sore ...so I decided to just chill over this weekend and stretch my eyes at the malls....and guess what? I found the CD Lucky sings Broery....which I find to be a cool remake of Broery Marantika's best tunes ala jazz. Oh heart it to bits. I attached a YouTube clip as samplers. Dah lama kan tak tag a clip...I think last was Christian Bautista's clip kot....

....oh how I have got so out of touch kan!

Grrrr......

Its a week to new year and I need to start working on my new year resolution list. I know I won't be sticking to it anyway but then I felt lost for a while now and a resolution list might help give me perspective. I should trim out all the lost causes in my life and make new dreams - ones that does not involve chasing old ones. So yeah....I should sit down and put a thought to it.

Till later! 

xoxo.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

The longest semester ever.....

...its like I'm in a never ending nightmare bubble and somehow the pain won't end.

I have a feeling of being lost over this past couple of days. Out of the blue there's a wall in my head and somehow everything is difficult.

Sigh.

Maybe its a phase.

A friend text me saying that she wish she is as strong as I am. It surprises her how I manage to pull myself together after what have happened over the past couple of  month.

I am but human. I bleed and I feel pain. Others may not be able to see the scars over all the cosmetics money can buy, but it doesn't mean it ain't there.

I am human and I bleed.

I sat for my last paper today at lost of what I was doing and couldn't even make sense of what I wrote on the answer sheet. Crap.

Perhaps what I need is a break from all this.Its good that the semester break is starting soon.

Lets all pray for change. Lets all pray for something better. And in the process, lets pray to heal.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

When the only thing I crave for is a good day's rest.....

The past two weeks had been a mix of crazy and hecticness....it made me question what the hell I am actually doing the things I am doing right now (study, work etc) and whether its all worth it. I know, my decisions are initially made with best intentions but the turn if events that led to it was questionable...I wish I wasn't pushed by circumstances to do what I did because there is certainly a lot on my plate right now.

Sigh.

Guess what? Time passed so fast, I didn' t even realised that it has been 10 years since I left uni and joined the workforce. After a decade has anything changed? Hmmmm..... I can say a lot has changed. The person I know 10 years ago seems like a distant memory. But to be frankly speaking at this point I am trying very very hard not to lose myself.

But then my working hours seems to reset back to when I first started 10 years ago the moment I join my new co. In one hand the long hours helped me heal the pain I'm going through at the moment - it deinitely pulled me out of my misery - but then again I felt like I'm running around like an energiser bunny....I am just afraid I might burn out sooner tha I thought.

Of course, when venturing into the new and the unknown everything is very scary. I have to admit that I might be fearing the worse. But I am trying to reserve my thoughts till when the worse actually happened, because there is no need to panic no?

Till then!

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Saturday, December 1, 2012

Pics speaks a thousand words - Komala's Birthday Tea Party

Its exam week....and I have just recently switched to a new job which demands more of my time and energy (for now) so I spent the very few hours left (outside of work and study) to catch with some sleep.

But then who doesn't like nice pics yeah? Here are some from our celebration of Komala's birthday a few weeks back. We had a simple tea party at Delicious Bangsar - one might thought to be boring happens to turn out a fun day out. 

Oh I miss my girls.

Got to make time. :)




















Thanks to Shahnaz for co-organising (and putting up with my crappy work and study schedules) and my gal pals for being there. You guys made my day.

*hugs*

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Turning tables and leaving the rest behind...

It seems like the only time I have to blog these days is when I am in class.....in between class lecture and presentations. Before I ramble on any further let me show you what class is like these days....


 Two of my closest DBA buddies....Liew & Mazlan. We enrolled the same day and took a few of the same class together. I don't think I can ever make it this far if they were not around. My classes are usually quite small and I am usually in a very confused state, so yes, to be here this far is astonishing.


I am obviously stressed out. Exam week starts this week, and with the new job and the wreckage at home....things to be super out of hand. The new workplace is definitely a salvation - the workload and long hours did help me bounce back and focus on new things, so I am no longer in zombie mode missing someone who didnt really care about me. I suppose I need to let bygones be bygones. Close one door as other door opens up - so I am not going to waste the opportunity I have now.

By the way, its his lost. :p

Why the hell am I rambling about this?

Have you guys watched the new twilight movie? I am a diehard TwiFan....mesti la I dah tengok! Muahahahahh!!!! And omg, I have to say that's the best twilight installation  and a good ending for the saga. A must watched. And if you are there, do brace yourself for more of Taylor Lautner's hot bod episode. Its as if he's putting it all out so that we won't miss him more when all of the schbang is over.

Manage to go for the Tun Sri Hasmah debut theater last week before the show wraps its curtains....




There you go...comel kan? I have to say the show was fantastic. They have quite a strong cast and I enjoyed  the night.  Kudos to Lisa Surihani and Eja for bringing life to the show. 

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Another day another entry....

Oh I can't help myself listening to repetitive stuff so I am shutting down the student side of me and ramble here instead. I hate to write sad stories (in which I have been doing quite a number of times lately) so I decided that perhaps its just best for me to shut up while I heal myself. Okay, I know...some don't agree with this. I also believed that it's best to vent out your frustrations so can you can close the case and immediately move on but I realised that over a month had lapsed and I am not getting any better.

In fact there are times when I just get even worse.Or confuse. So to hell with pouring my hard out. Let's try something else.

On awal muharram holidays I bought a ticket to watch Istanbul Aku Datang. Wow, an eye opener.  I can so relate. And damn D is one lucky girl....


If I get to leave everything and start over and find love as sweet as in IAD I would just leave and do it. What the heck. For a moment I actually believe everything could be fine again.

Sigh.

Young love. I believe I use to be that optimistic, alas I suppose age changes you.

Yet the movie is an excellent one - now I put Lisa Surihani as one of my favourites after Fazura and Maya Karin. You think Lagenda Budak Setan 2 can beat that? On top of an easygoing and fun story line, the movie is shot in a super nice location and the soundtrack cam best. I give the movie an 8.5 out of 10. And then nanti nak beli the CD and the DVD. hahahahhah.

Yeah when I love something I psycho much.

In order to move on I am now embarking in yet another new challenge. Yesterday, I started my day in a new job. New role....new responsibilities. New faces. Hopefully this can give me the distraction I need and the strength to stand back on my own two feet - now better than ever.

Wish me luck?

xoxo. Till later!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

In the dark I sit and wait.....

Just got home after a long day and all I wanted is to have a long hot bath. But the rain was pouring like cats and dogs outside wand the weather is just too chilly, a long bath just seem like a bit much. So I dropped my keys in the usual key pile, hung my handbag on my bag rack and turned on my lappy while I sit in utter darkness. As if the house is in a total blackout.

For now the house is empty. Just the same way my heart felt.

I downloaded a bunch of tv series yesterday and I just might end up watching them later while I download other episodes to watch over the on and off weekend-Deepavali-Awal Muharram-weekend again break. Before that I need to pull myself together and get myself sorted.

An Adele song was playing over and over again today at work and these para seems to stick in my head from Adele's Turning Tables.

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
Turning tables

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

Yes. Next time I'll be braver. I just got to believe. Yeah, why should I let him walk out unscathed and die for it in the process? In all fairness, he just don't deserve it. So I will save myself. Like I always do.

Have faith.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Remedies for a broken heart, anyone?

S.O.S.

It took me a while before I manage to gain composure and write something for today's submission and presentation. That, and an hour crying while watching A Walk To Remember in tv. I have to say this so unlike me, but I am a tad sentimental these day. 

Its over its over its over. Deal with it. Get a grip.

I finally mange to write something at 3am today and God bless, a submittable paper and presentation by 6am. Which leaves me about an hour or so for power nap then rushed to class. I do not look like a million bucks - which defeats my new mantra of must look like you walk out of magazine at all times. Its tiring okay to hold a composed emotional front and dress up every single day, so since I going to be late anyway I don't think my classmates would mind my dull face.


Not so bad for no make-up and a heartbreak eh? Thanks to Vit C and Collagen pills and a host of beauty products - the only thing I need now is just sleep and more laughter so I can banish the puffy eyes. And that dry lips....hmmm, mana my Kiehl's lip gloss ni?? Gotta go and find them asap.

*ye la kata dalam misi membuktikan that its his loss :p*

I plan to grow my hair, but I'm getting a bit uncomfortable with the uneven layers. With stress piling up I wish I can just run to the salon and chop everything off, alas I need have to be patient.  I feel a sudden need for long shiny black hair - I think I am getting tired of highlights and short do's. My stylist is so gonna hate it but I think almost a decade of brown do's is enough. I gotta stand up and tell her I want something different and exciting  - because I am starting to hate the dull brown streaks on my head everytime I malas nak blow dry my hair. I think if my hair is jet black it will look more lively irregardless.

We will revisit this in a couple of months. When the hair is a few inches longer.

There will be changes coming up in about 2 weeks time. I'm suppose to be excited about it, but alas I'm still under the weather. It's going to be a busy 2 weeks though since I need to wrap up all the assignments I procrastinated over the past 2 months and work towards an early submission so that I can move on peacefully to this new change. Perhaps its a blessing in disguise - change is always good as I need to work on the steep 6 months learning curve (yet again) - so hopefully it will bring me back on my feet.

Till then, if any of you out there has a solution for me to try, feel free to drop a comment.  Ciao!

Friday, November 2, 2012

Just so you know that I will be okay

One of my bestie said to me......don't be in denial.

Apakah?

In my defense I wish to quote Carrie in SATC on he take on her Mr Big " He's not a crush, he'a crash".

And I didn't expect a crash. I was not prepared for a crash nevertheless it happened. Perhaps that made it worse. Its hard to explain....some of you might judge (oh yes, that happened too) so I hate to divulge details.

Well fine. I am posting a pic of me smiling to show that I am capable of pulling myself together at even the worst possible time. To show that despite all odds, I can put a strong front.

But then bak lagu rossa, "aku wanita...punya cinta di hati..."...

Baik tak payah sambung. Later ntah ke mana ntah post ni pergi.

Sigh.

I have been receiving a few interesting sms's and email's lately in response to my last post. It's nice to hear that there are people out there concerned about me after following my blog in silence for so long. Some dated back since 2008....that's like pre-arif break up period. This past year I haven't been writing much, mostly due to time constraint, partly because I don't want to be judged (because seriously, that happened before too) but there are a few who manage tounderstand what's happening with very few written and said between the lines.

Phewh. funny isn't it.

The most intresting email yet was received yesterday. It was quite well written, and I wish to quote a para here to share.

".....its not about who's leaving who, nor its how you direct yourself into situation like yours. its about what you felt, how you feel, and how you want yo remember someone, and most of all, how much you want to love someone. At the end life goes on. But we can remember this moment as something that will always put a smile on our face.For as long as we live."

He loved the same women for 13 years...and still loved her eventhough they didn't eventually end up together.

*awww, now we know where all the men went, they areeither married or pining over lost love. Which leave the rest of us...hurmm...okay stop it*

Its such a positive take on a breakup, I suppose that time will eventually ease the pain and bring you to that. But then what if such joy equally brings pain, and the moment you remember how happy you have been, it just make you feel sad?

It is a crash remember? Do I have to spend another decade trying to get over it?

*pejam mata kuat2. Nauzubillah.....tolongla jangan ambik lagi 10 tahun*

Emotionally drained. Trying to have more faith. Reminds me how easy it was when I was naive, i felt like back then naievity comes with more strength and resillience. Afte all these years ignorance went out of the window, I tend to pick up more broken pieces and end up being what I am now....scared.

But again.Life goes on.No matter how scared we become we just got to brave it till we're claimed back right? So I suppose I'll find a way to be okay.

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Saturday, October 20, 2012

At the bottom of the wheel again.....

I am sitting in a consultancy lecture but then my head is practically no where in the building. The past couple of days had been tough - it's been a gruelling struggle to get a grasp to reality over what had happened recently. I had been so happy the past 6 months that I forget that the inevitable can happen - love can be lost, people die, good days can turn bad - I felt as if I was struck by lightning.

Sigh.

I am dazed and confused. For the first time of my life I lose self-focus , my attention span is like Dory the fish in Finding Nemo. I thought my broken engagement was the worst thing that could have happened to me - well now I found out that I was wrong. At least back then I can still get a grip and function at work. Now I'm falling apart and every single minute feels like torture.

Hate to admit that one man can break me in such a way. Hate that I actually loved that guy, and after all the emotional bashing and hurt, still does. He walks away in the most demeaning way possible and I am still crazy about him, but there is nothing I can do about it. 

I can't make him love me. I want to be with someone who can honestly accept me for who I am, what I can be and will still love me when I go through bad days.

Talking about it hasn't been easy. Living through it is even harder. There are good days and bad days - mostly bad days, - but its such a roller coaster its driving me insane. Sigh. I tried to keep a strong front, I have never been a crybaby but when I am all alone at home or at my most vulnerable moment, all hell breaks lose and my fort got blasted with canons so huge I end up in pieces, over and over again. I am at the extreme emotional state I can't see black from white anymore. Everything is grey.

Worse still, I feel alone. 

Can't let him do this to me. Gotta get myself back.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Fool that I am....

In class. That's nothing new. But for the past 2 weeks everything flew around in a massive blur. Of course, I am affected.Unstable.Emotional. 

I am trying my best anyway. Beats being treated like crap day in and day out.

I took the seat behind my lecturer and midway through presentations got to do these...





Do not try this in class. You just might get caught.

Note to self : Need to snap out of this. Shouldn't let him drag me down.

Confused in the box of love. Praying that I can find peace, somehow.

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Pics from Phnom Penh Day 4 and 5


Sorry, it took a while before I get to get to my final Phnom Penh travel post. As usual my calendar is crazy. I definitely need to do something about it. *grin*. After 2 weeks being home I definitely miss the slow pace back in Phnom Penh - the air was clean, there was definitely no stress, the people was friendly, massages is super cheap - sigh, I wish its an hour drive away.

There is always Ipoh or Penang. Silly me.

Back to my travel babble.

Nothing much to share about day 4 and 5 besides my adventures along the riverside. Its really sad that it rains almost every noon while I was there, thus limit my ability to go and venture out of town. It would have been great if I could. But then I suppose I needed the rest anyway - so I manage to enjoy the rain and just chill at my favourite cafe's with a book.


Oh I miss their coffee. Its not too bitter not too sweet. They have Illy coffee everywhere - forget Starbucks and Coffee Bean.But I have too much of those anyway back home and for the first time in my life I get to appreciate Illy coffee and realise that it's definitely much much better that what I am used to at home.

The walk across one end to another end of the riverfront stretches to about between a 1km walk - if you're a  alking enthusiast you can start from Wat Phnom, go down to the famous jetty where they have the sunset crusie boat rides, pass the Titanic - a huge boat restaurant that serves yber delicious garlic buttered baguette (a must have! freaking crispy!) then stroll across the river front pubs and cafe's to finally get to the Royal Palace and Silver Pagodas and finally the Dragon Centre.

If you're there on weekends, they will have the Night Market open from about 7pm onwards. I don't get to to because I was there on Monday and left by Friday noon - and I heard the market stays open for a while. The space covers a compound of a third of the size of Chattucak market in BKK so I think it should be fun to be at if you get the chance to do so. The night market is located about 5 minitues distance from the Titanic and the jetty - you definitely won't miss it.

Some pics of the walk along the riverfront......






The riverfront is definitely a community area. You can see people jogging and exercising there every evening, and on Wednesday evenings you can see them do group aerobics. Feel free to join in....everybody seems to have fun moving about and it looks like a big aerobics flash mob from the rooftop. What interest me is that they have this open air gym with exercise machines that you can use. Nice kan.....while you cycle or do steps you get to face the riverfront?

Kan best if they have it in lake garden ke? Putrajaya?

But then if we do have would we go?


That's the view of the Royal Palace and the Silver Pagodas. If you're not into museum and local culture this is definitely not your forte but I am a sucker for history and it awes me that there are similarities in other cultures to ours and that despite all our differences, we shared the same roots.

Plus I hate to admit this but I love seeing statues.



The Palace has its specific open and close times so while waiting for the noon session I walked straight pass the palace to Naga EntertainWorld aka the Dragon Centre.





Don't be fooled. Its not a shopping mall. Its just a huge casino. The only designer boutique they have here is Cartier and you won't find anything else. Unless you gamble, this place won't tickle your fancy. I was dissapointed....I was expecting something like Marina Bay Sands but then hey, wishful thinking la ni.


But.....

They Dragon Centre has posh restaurants with quite reasonable price range. Of course because its meant for high rollers, the deco was posh and nice. I manage to skim through the menu and for the place and what they are offering, the price is not bad at all.

So maybe it's something you guys want to check out. The posh restaurants. Nothing outside this place is going to be more posh than this.

I took the tuk tuk from the centre back to the Royal Palace and Silver Pagoda's in time to make the que for its noon session. Entry is USD5.25. Enjoy the pics!
























Its a palace. They have such a huge compound. I can't imagine how people could ever live there. If you need a guide you can hire one at the entrance. Of course, being a solo traveller I can always roam alone and then eavesdrop on the guides explaining history to their hirer. Just don't start asking questions - then it might get awkward.

Last but not the least, the pics from Wat Phnom.



Wat Phnom is atemple built on the lady founder of Phnom Penh. I thank God that the steps are not as scary as Batu Caves. Surrounded by mini temples on its way down, the place crawls with tourist and worshippers alike. I spent about 5 minutes to reach the top, and spent quite some time looking at the murals on the walls. The uncles at the temple is quite friendly, or perhaps he was just bored or in need of a person to talk to so he explained to me the whole legend about Sita and Rama and whatnot. Its the same legend like the ones in the Bali Kechak dance -but the paintings are like all over the walls like the ones you might see in a dome in Venice or Rome.

Okay, it may not be as extravagant as Venice or Rome but then you get what you mean.


At the end of it all its good to just sit back, relax and enjoy a good cup of coffee.

I have been getting emails to write on travelling solo. I know, its scary to brave the unknown on your own. I have that fear as well. That's coming next. So stay tuned.