I am sitting in a consultancy lecture but then my head is practically no where in the building. The past couple of days had been tough - it's been a gruelling struggle to get a grasp to reality over what had happened recently. I had been so happy the past 6 months that I forget that the inevitable can happen - love can be lost, people die, good days can turn bad - I felt as if I was struck by lightning.
I am dazed and confused. For the first time of my life I lose self-focus , my attention span is like Dory the fish in Finding Nemo. I thought my broken engagement was the worst thing that could have happened to me - well now I found out that I was wrong. At least back then I can still get a grip and function at work. Now I'm falling apart and every single minute feels like torture.
Hate to admit that one man can break me in such a way. Hate that I actually loved that guy, and after all the emotional bashing and hurt, still does. He walks away in the most demeaning way possible and I am still crazy about him, but there is nothing I can do about it.
I can't make him love me. I want to be with someone who can honestly accept me for who I am, what I can be and will still love me when I go through bad days.
Talking about it hasn't been easy. Living through it is even harder. There are good days and bad days - mostly bad days, - but its such a roller coaster its driving me insane. Sigh. I tried to keep a strong front, I have never been a crybaby but when I am all alone at home or at my most vulnerable moment, all hell breaks lose and my fort got blasted with canons so huge I end up in pieces, over and over again. I am at the extreme emotional state I can't see black from white anymore. Everything is grey.
Worse still, I feel alone.
Can't let him do this to me. Gotta get myself back.