The thing about family is no matter what happens, blood tends to be thicker than water...so you end up giving in. Its like, if anything happens, tak boleh la ambil hati lebih-lebih. There will come a point when you have to let go of certain things but then what if you are not ready to let go?
My sister is getting married soon. To my closest buddies, that's nothing new sebab the cat was out of the bag for a while now. Its a good thing, I totally support it. And I dot my future brother-in-law to pieces. But I dread the very idea of going back and meeting everyone because this past couple of years, their mouth is not very kind to me. I practically vowed never to go back to kampung again. Of course I can't help it la, bila kena balik tu kena balik la....but it felt more out of duty than out of the willingness of the heart.
Does that make me a bad person?
I actually felt like rambling a lot of things but then I am PMS-ing at the moment, and I think I might regret publishing it since I know my mom will be reading this eventually. So I left the thoughts running in my head. Because to actually say what I wanted to say feels complicated. I will totally hate myself after. Sebab what I wish to write may be fair to some, but not fair for others. And I hate to hurt the rest yang tak bersalah.
I have been contemplating for weeks on how I will carry myself the day my sister will be engaged. Yeah, the so call risik/engagement thing is happening soon, and some of the faces I wish to never see (at the moment) will be there. Bumping into each other is inevitable because the said person is in the first circle of the family (as well as the matriarch). Sigh. I know. Its kind of a huge bummer. I am torn between acting civil and being borderline rude/disrespectful but then I can't not be there on that day, no matter what my excuses are because it is yet again unfair to others yang tak bersalah.
I am beyond torn inside.
Perhaps I should just take a deep breath and take this one day at a time.
And perhaps I should start thinking how I can use Shasha as my support on the day itself. hehehehe. Girl, you get ready with ammo's okay because maybe I will need you to shoot a bullet or two when I myself can't.