Thursday, July 31, 2014

Bye bye July, Hello August!

Despite the mild haze, today is a bright shiny day. The office is still empty, everyone is still away on raya break. Kinda gives me more time to recollect on my thoughts and refocus on the things that I need to do. 

Now that 7 months has passed since new year I start getting fidgety over my life goals. Going down my personal checklist, I am a bit of an underachiever this year. Sigh. I wish I have done more. I wish there is more time. I notice that my thoughts and focus were scattered all around, it has been a challenge for me to get a grip of things and this is not good.

This is bad.


Alas we have 5 more months to go before the year end. With my sister's wedding coming up and business back as usual at the office, it'll be back to busy mode and hopefully, I'll get a chance to redeem myself.

And this starts with killing my long procrastinated outstanding to do list which includes clearing pending accounts, spring clean for good and complete my submission assignment by Sunday.

Thats seriously a lot of work. Considering its raya and there will be a lot of open house.

Lets not get too ahead of ourselves and focus.

To those who are still on a brea, lucky you. Enjoy while it last. To the rest of the population, happy working. Don't stress so much, its almost the weekend.


Sunday, July 27, 2014

Salam Aidil Fitri 2014

This year is most probably the most unexciting raya for me. For once, I bid farewell to the passing of Ramadhan with a tinge of sadness. 

But in the spirit of all good things, lets look at the bright side. 

Salam Aidil Fitri and Have a Good Hari Raya. I am human, therefore I err, so for all that I erred, I bid forgiveness. I know a lot of friends who will be taking the week off, so do enjoy your holidays and stay safe on and off the road.

See yáll when I get back to KL on Tuesday.

The roads should be clear by now so I am signing off.


Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Waking up at the wrong side of the bed

This past 2 days my nights has been restless. Despite all efforts (meditation, metta, lai-ching, practice headstands) I have trouble going to bed. So I end up sorting my laundry (3 weeks of laundry, so much baju and still I shout I don't have enough. I suppose the noise was so loud the guard just have to pay me a visit and tell me to stop doing my laundry because everyone else wanted to sleep), re-arrranging wardrobe, sorting through my massive amount of shoes (oh last night's count stood at 60 pairs, can you believe it?) - guess what, spring cleaning still hasn't ended. Halfway through my mind will be pre-occupied with something so I left things halfway, I seem to be somewhat out of focus and the house is still a pile of mess.

I end up sleeping after sahur sometime close to 3am. I must have been tossing and turning badly because I woke up with sore left shoulders.

And my neck is super stiff.


*susah bila emosi tak stabil ni*

I woke up to good news. But then I am not really sure whether its  gonna be really good or not. Because I just got a one liner and suddenly.....silence. Hmmm. I am so not good with silence. The fact that it gives mixed signals is a bitch. But then you can't force people to layan you all the time kan? So senyap je la. When people wants to talk then later pandai2 la diorang datang balik. Sigh. Taking a deep breathe, I try not to be bothered with things that are out of my control. So I pulled myself together, took a chill pill (literally) and sing in the shower like nobody's business till I feel good.

I suppose as time goes by I learnt to deal with things more gracefully and take things lightly. Okay la kan. Less stress is good. Was talking to Tina yesterday on being a bitch and she says "Kak Zu, I think you handled it pretty well. You are calmer these days. Kalau 10 tahun dulu mau merempan lagi teruk". Hmm, that not the exact quote but thats the gist of it. That's a direct response to the craziness I went through last Monday - yet again "all-of-a-sudden-silent" circumstances that could have been avoided if a certain someone someone could just give me a heads up but then its okay, I got over it.


I do age gracefully I suppose. Tina's right. If this happened 10 years ago I would have burnt someone's house down. Today I'm just okay whatever. Move on to the next agenda please.

Anyways, looking forward to iftar with my ex pwc girls later today. Its been a while since we play catch up. Its gonna be fun.

Just wish this shoulder ache will go away. Oh I should have slapped my bantal to my back before I left for office just now. Dang! 



Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Fault in My Stars

Have you seen The Fault in Our Stars?

Everyone says its super awesome but frankly speaking, despite the incredible script, I think I'd go with Perks Of Being A Wallflower instead. But then, the love story might not really be that epic but it does raise a number of interesting point about living and love after life. If you are up for heavy drama then you should have a go at it, you might even like it.

But of course if you wanted fun then go and watch 22 Jump Street. Channing Tatum is hot and the movie is super funny. 8 out of 10 definitely.

Back to the TFIOS, my take from the movie is simply that despite all odds, everyone is capable of love. We may lost hope that it exist, but sometimes the best comes to us when we least expect it. It could be tough and hard, it could be easy and simple. It could also be complicated. No matter, it will come in due time.

I love the idea of loving without expectation. The one where you simply don't put pressure and love for what it is rather than what it could be. The thing about Hazel and Gus is that because they live by the day, they cherish what the have to the fullest, even the small bits in life - and make the best out of it. Sure they have dreams....but they are not afraid of disappointments and hold a grudge over it thus their love is expectation free.

What moved me most is Hazel's eulogy for Gus.....

"I can't talk about our love story, so I will talk about math. I am not a mathematician, but I know this. There is an infinite between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many days of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and for that, I'm eternally grateful."- Hazel's Eulogy For Gus, The Fault in Our Stars (2014)

Ain't that sweet?


On the side to my dear chatterbox, in case you are reading this (in which case I don't think you do), I thank you for our little infinity. It does feel like forever, even when we merely have minutes.

Literary speaking.

And for that, I am (okay for now, perhaps eternally is too big a word) grateful.


Friday, July 18, 2014

Just as hope rings through laughter, it can also shine through tears - Maya Angelou

Today, the nation grieves over the loss of MH17.

The thought of being in between a cross fire and targeted warfare is often remote since I always believe that I grew up in a peaceful and loving country. But then I suppose nobody is safe these days.


If we could all just stop fighting, let go and spread love and kindness, perhaps there is hope.

But humans are selfish, and in selfishness we err.


Thursday, July 17, 2014

How I am Gonna Deal With All My Clutter Pun I Seriously Don't Know

Barang siapa berani masuk my house now nescaya dia akan pengsan with the amount of mess that I have accumulated over the past few weeks.


Tina claims that its not that bad. She came by twice over this past weeks with her kiddos and I made sure there are ample space for the kids to run around the house. Tak susah sebenarnya nak campak all my stuff into my 3rd room and pretend that all is good. But when they leave start la balik - the bags, the shopping bags, the baju-baju all macam termuntah keluar flowing to the living room.


Oh I so need a maid.

*drama queen la ni*

Nasib baik aku takde laki. Kalau tak masak la kena tinggal. 

I have been trying to do a bit of spring cleaning for weeks but then sangat la penggagal. There's just so much stuff. I macam confuse mana nak start. Start halfway one side and hours later there is still mess everywhere else.


But the raya is less than 2 weeks. Gotta sort it out before that.


Please pray for me.

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Closet raid

Today pergi ofis bajet ayu.Ada iftar company after work today and takkan nak pergi iftar pakai the normal day to day wear. Scrambled through my baju kurung wardrobe dengan harapan that I don't outgrow my old baju kurung - I seriously need a nice one for today's company iftar and sumpah tak kuasa la nak pergi hunting baju baru. I know I have tonnes of presentable baju kurung and kebaya from the past and I usually don't wear tradional dresses to work. But then kalau ada yang fit to satu bonus. Gaining weight is a bitch. Depressing okay nak shopping time time badan naik ni. Everything is not a nice fit. The dreadful feeling masa masuk fitting room tu tak payah cerita la. Kalau boleh nak lari balik je rasanya.


Anyways, good news. Found a modern kurung kerawang circa 2012 and guess what, it fits perfectly. I remember 2 months back kain dia ketat nak mati. Seriously. It felt like a burden is lifted. Cepat-cepat selfie. Hahahaah. Saiko punya perempuan pagi pagi dah merempan. But then hati berbunga-bunga, because if I can fit in this I may be able to fit in some of my kebaya. 


Should try them later tonight.

My mood was so good today I decided to go minimalist with accessories (yeah, no elaborate arm candies) and just done the kurung with a simple simulated diamonds I got from Lovisa's sale yesterday. It was on buy one free one and I thought it'd be nice to wear for Ani's wedding next month, but then still need to try it out to check whether I can survive beyond 4 hours with it sebab my sensitive skin can't take some type of metals kalau tak naik rashes.

Pic on insta. Malas nak upload kat blog sebab my lappy macam went nuts and lately susah nak mati nak view pics. Boohoo.

Well its 3 days to the next weekend! One that I am so looking foward to.




Monday, July 14, 2014

Talking about insecurities.....

Good morning!!!!!

The roads were pretty clear today. Perhaps everyone took the day off post a long night watching the World Cup finals. To some its a long weekend because tomorrow is a public holiday (for Nuzul Quran - always envied the Selangorians for getting extra day off but heck this year we KLites get it too, so fair and square) so its kinda obvious a lot of people will be enjoying slumberland now.For people like me who's less excited about football and decided at the very last minute that sleep is more important anyway, here I work.


Not that I don't want to watch the World Cup finals. Who doesn't want to feast on Argentinian No 22 sweating all over the field but lets be practical here....I am not a buff. And when there's no one to enjoy it with I might as well spend my time catching up with beauty sleep. It is aired in the wee hours in the morning after all.

I have a feeling Germany would win anyway. It comes to happen that they did. So no qualms in not catching it. I seem to have a sixth sense for this.

Talking about beauty sleep I always felt that I never had enough. Last year was miserable. I barely slept. With work and catching up with submissions in school, I was a walking zombie. But then things got a little slow this year, and I manage to work on balancing my time and commitments, hence more sleep time but then it never felt enough.


Bad thing about not getting enough sleep is that it gets my mood all screwed up. When I am moody I eat. When I eat I gain weight. When I gain weight I feel horrible because I am like a stuffed bebendum doll. Its like a bad domino effect....the pieces starts falling and they were all black. Gets pretty insecure when some hot chick walks next to you (ok seriously, they don't have to be that hot or beautiful, just plain skinny will do) and suddenly all the confidence goes crashing to an all time low.


There were times when I forget being beautiful should not be so superficial.

That beauty lies beyond physical appearance.

That what's beautiful in me is never the way I look but how I smile and light up when I am happy, how I laugh insanely as if my heart is exploding, how carefree I am when I speak and carry myself in a crowded room, how funny I can be when I talk to others - that I am beautiful because of my wit and confidence, and my physical appearance is simply complimenting all my other beautiful character traits.

And that I should never forget that nothing is ever a competition.

There's never a competition to be smarter, or prettier, or more beautiful - what we get out of it was never a prize to be won. So why should I compare myself to others and feel insecure?

I should embrace me. For all my faults and insecuirities....I am my own perfect person. No one else can be me.

For I maybe flawed and lacking - but I should know that deep inside, I am stronger than what I think I am capable of.

All this because of beauty sleep.

You have a good week.


Tuesday, July 8, 2014

On being wasteful and crappy food

A friend had her iftar in IKEA yesterday and posted on FB the food people wasted at yesterday's ramadhan buffet.

*pinjam gambar eh shaz....*

Seriously....since when did we come to this?

Just because we paid for it doesn't mean that we should take more than what we could eat. The concept does initially spells out as "eat-all-you-can" not "waste-all-you-can". In some places restauranteur charges patron on unfinished excesses - perhaps we should practice them locally now. We manage to embrace recycling every weekends now, why not penalty on the wasteful?


Actually I totally understand gluttony. I use to remember those days when I was so tamak I eat everything at whim. Terasa sikit je terus nak makan. Sebab tu la hmmm. Okay enough. But then as I age I realise that I don't need to be tamak. Sebab seriously good things come in small portions. Its when you get to take your time and savor the taste that you can truely appreciate what is in front of you. Plus I found out that my appetite macam dah tak berapa nak menjadi-jadi, so takde la gila sangat dah nak frequent buffet tables because I simply can't eat as much anymore. 

Knowing your limitations and responding to it is a wise thing. What if the situation is reversed and you can only look at the food that is wasted (like all the cleaners do after the gluttonfest is held) then baru tahu kot how senseless all this can be.


I barely eat out since Ramadhan started. Not that I don't want to. I tried to catch up with yoga, so I try not to each so much pre-workout so I don't experience gag-fest at downward facing dog. The other half of the time I was just tired. So I dropped by the nearest pasar ramadhan on the way home, grab something to go and head straight back home so I can nap before I had my breakfast.

Sometimes I doze off till way after buka puasa. Teruk betul.

I tried to just stick to one main and one kuih. At the moment there is just me at home since Ani is away, so kalau ada extra macam sayang je takde orang makan.

In some way I think I got lucky. I hear some of my friends complain of bad food at pasar ramadhan's but then so far I get to have good ones. Like yesterday's laksa. So sedap. And the portion is bountiful, I rasa menyesal beli dua (sebab sometimes at some stall one portion is too little, so I bought two). The samosa I got from an uncle in Penchala's pasar ramadhan is also the yummiest I had all week. And its just 40 cents per piece.


Perhaps bila tak tamak tuhan bagi makan sedap sikit.


Just saying.

Hari ni ada plans nak buka kat Tony Romas with the SapKenc guys. Oh ribs.



Monday, July 7, 2014

Days when patience is seriously not my stronger suits

Sometimes I wish people could understand me better but then again I am not an easy person to be understood.

Over time I changed. I learn that life is not a bed of roses. I use to be naive. I don't see myself that way anymore. I am a hopeful though. I still want to believe in the notion of all things good just the way I it was when I was growing up .....but of course these day I have to play down my expectations and be a realist rather than an optimist. So I am more grounded. 

More careful.

Personally I don't think that its a bad thing. Everybody changes and mature over time. So I suppose change is natural. But then what if people detest your change?

I can't be a little girl forever.

I kept my silence for a reason. Especially when I believe that talking would do more harm than good. To be frankly speaking I have issues. I have to admit I am taking my time and I am sorting it out. You might not the be happy with the way I handled me but then what's the point of me justifying my actions. There was never a need to justify my interest to leave home when I was 13, nobody even question me on why I want to go to boarding school - back then my parents simply sign the forms and let me be so why now?

When I am 2 decades older? 

You suddenly crap about losing me?

Whatever la. Some things are best left unsaid.

The thing is being me, the more I am put under pressure, the more I yearn to be free. Force me to open up then I'll shut myself like a clam. People who knows me best would agree to leave me alone and you will find me finding my own way home.


I wrote this hoping to feel slightly better but then I still felt the same. Thanks for making me feel so crappy.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Raya wishlist

How time flies. Its almost a week through fasting month and people are already buzzing about langsir raya and kuih raya and baju raya. I don't know why I tak feel sangat nak raya tahun ni. Nak balik kampung pun tak excited. I shared my potentially raya plans of running back to KL immediately on the first day after all the customary first day raya thingy's are all out of the picture with a friend recently and he went...

"what? serious? then how to catch up with the latest gossip?"

When you are the subject of the gossip you won't want to be there when they are talking about it honey.

Especially if we are to repeat what's happened last year.


But I have been working on my heart chakra lately. Who knows I can grow one big enough to be more accepting to others by the end of Ramadhan. So far my zen is not there yet and I am a sceptic. If you ask me I think I'll be way happier spending raya with my girls in KL....but that's just me. It won't make many people happy. Especially my mom. And we don't want that do we?

I still haven't sent my baju raya to the tailors. Somewhere in the third room lies about 5 pasang of kain baju kurung just screaming to be turned into a piece. I remember one of it is the soft purple/pink kain I got from Siam Reap recently. I am totally clueless now over what I should do. At this juncture its so much easier to just walk into a boutique and purchase a ready-to-wear ensemble. Who knows I might get lucky. Gotta admit I have an eye on some nice babies recently launched by local designers but then seriously, the price tag is hefty. I am not so sure I wanna splurge so much for a day I am having mixed feelings on. 

And to think that I will only be wearing it for ONE day.


Maybe I should just recycle my Jovians from last year. Some of them my mom tak pernah nampak pun I pakai.


Anyways, given my recent fad for yoga I think they money contemplated to be spent on baju raya might be put to better use if.....

1. I get new yogitoes

Ho yeah. Thats a dream come true. A new yoga mat towel.

I have one now that I have been using for the past 5 years (oh yes, it has been 5 years since I discovered yoga) and that manduka towel mat never failed me. But then since I frequent the studio 3-4 times a week these days, perhaps its a good time to invest in a second one. Nanti boleh alternate. Kan?

2. Buy more liquido leggings

Aint it look divine?

Acquired one recently just to try it out and it is so comfy, kalau boleh I wanna buy 10 terus.


But that will be too much. Each pants cost about RM200ish plus. In which macam a splurge la kalau all of a sudden beli in bulk.

I'll settle with another pair in the short term. Perhaps nanti put it on my wishlist to hunt for more at year end.

Wishful thinking.

But then was at BSC just now during the mid day break and oh my, there's a lot of nice stuff to don for raya. The rtw's and accessories are simply to die for.

Both in terms of looks and in terms of ability to skin my purse.


For the time being lets just KIV everything. Don't wanna spoil my mood thinking about raya expenses. It is after all a time to reflect, not a time to show off.

In which case more votes goes to yogitoes and liquido leggings.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

Oh sejak bila la zuraida listens to French songs ni?

Posted a tweet in french and kena sound by shasha....

I suppose kalau orang tak tau french pun nampak 2 perkataan kat atas tu je dah start buat kesimpulan.



Anyways, don't be too fast to draw into conclusion pare.

*tetiba je masuk bahasa ibunda tagalog*

Was listening to Lara Fabian's "Je'taime" on Youtube and that statement is simply the last sentence in the song which simply means "you know, I love you for who you are".

Kalau silap sila salahkan google translate.


Why I posted it on my timeline?

Simply because I think its fitting that we love someone for who they are. Usually when we are into someone there's always a why, and what, and how.....but with all the whys and whats and hows comes expectations, limitations - which makes a lot of things complicated.

Love like a 5 year old. Simple. No judgement.


Just as it is.

Listen up. The track is quite cool.


Wednesday, July 2, 2014


3 am and I am still awake.... Tomorrow is a working day as usual....but the whole shifting of schedule during Ramadhan is fast affecting my sleeping patterns. The fact that I am experiencing airfluxs throughout the day is not helping. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that all this will go off pretty soon , sebab seriously I have stuff to do and having major headache throughout the day and not being able to run for painkillers (or coffee) is super depressing.

The only thing that had been buffering the impact of airfluxs and insomnia is yoga. At least after class I get to feel peace and finally get some sleep. Otherwise macam hari ni la.....past 12 and I am still awake and fidgety.I would have gone to class if my body was not tired after back to back classes from saturday to monday. And of course the migrain. Yeah, have been having migrain all morning. Rasa nak terbalik dunia ni. Sobs. 

KL is hot as ever. Rasa macam dalam oven pun ada. The AC at home needs work done. Macam lately the air is not as cool....not sure if its just me. Thank God malam ni hujan *love!* so the weather becomes bearable. I think my body had become too heaty to a point I am having bacne on my shoulders. I simply thought I have resolved my bacne issues when I found QV but hell no, its back. Made me feel like a teenager balik. The only thing that makes it look invisible is the fact that my skin is slightly tan so takde la perasan sangat merah-merah. 


Gotta do something about it.

At the bright side, despite all odds, I have a lot to be grateful for. Among others, I find solace in my yoga practice this past month. The new studio I frequent in DP has filled the void I have been missing since Beyoga was shut down a couple of years back, and I felt much fun and love practicing my chaturanga's there I am practically doing a 4 day week practice now! Pat on the shoulder for a job well done. 


And because of practice, practice and clothes seems to fit better now. I am psyched. Hopefully in 2 to 3 months time I can crack open my boxes of size 10 to 12's I set aside a few months back. Oh yes, wishful thinking, We all gotta have faith no? Should not give up.


Found a brand of super comfy colorful tights for yoga in my size. Muahahahah! Love love love. Now no need to envy tara stiles, laura sykora and akgannon for having cool yoga pants.....I can get mine from liquido which is easily available in Malaysia. *love*.

Can't wait for Ramadhan to end coz gonna be tagging along some people back to the islands!




Ok thats too much happy at 3am. Okla, gonna be 4am soon. Baik sahur and catch some snooze. Don't want eyebags to show for tomorrow.