My final paper submission for the semester is finally sent for print and bind yesterday. It was a major relief - considering I have been struggling with writing it the past couple of weeks. These days writing comes to me as a challenge - it has been 6 to 7 months of mental block and feeling lost when I even attempted to write. Staring at a blank screen for hours is freaking depressing. I am brain drain and tired - its so exhausting just to even think about it. Tu belum kira the frustration I face when I read a journal....I can feel the words bouncing off my head as if it were hitting a brick wall. So yes, being able to finally get my drafts finalised and ready for print in time for it to be graded is a huge thing.
To come to think of it maybe I have been struggling with writing because deep inside I no longer have the heart to do what I do and continue studying. Perhaps the excitement to complete my studies had dimmed, reaching a point where I start questioning my original intentions. The fact that I did the paper out of fun in the first place is not helping - after 2 and a half years its no longer fun. Its stressing me out. I have to admit that there are days when I just can't believe that I ever decided to do it in the first place - that there was a point of time when I thought it was a good idea and not listen to my ex boss who said "seriously Zuraida, are you sure about this?".
Hmmm. Back then I replied "yeah, it should be easy peasy".
Boy I thought wrong.
Even worse when you get the "what were you thinking doing this thing out of fun" look from anyone who heard about it - as if macam its not common to further studies. Seriously chill la people. If I am the kind of person that goes through the normal life cycle of habis degree-dapat kerja-jumpa chenta hati - kawin and beranak pinak maybe I wont be what I am now and doing the things that I do now. Just because I chose a different path doesn't mean I deserve the "you're out of your mind" look.
Well I did a bit of light reading last night. Never read the author before but it was recommended by a friend, so what the heck. Anyways, there was a chapter where the author wrote about writers block and he mentions that in times facing mental block (in which writers do - I suppose its a work hazard), it doesn't matter that you can't write a single word, what you have to do is keep on writing from the heart. When you are done writing with the heart, then you fix it with the head.
Okay that's not a direct quote. I rephrased that. But thats the gist of it. I can't remember every single word. There are other funny bits that's quite deep (and sometimes dark) that made me forget the other deep and not so funny bits of the book.
Look up Pendek Mabuk Gila by Ahmad Kamal Abu Bakar if you have the chance. Its a good read. I enjoyed it. It took me only 2 hours to finish the whole thing. That's a record there I tell ya.
And then again maybe the author was right....maybe what I needed is a bit of heart. But then the question is, can I do technical writing using my heart?
Agak payah disitu kan.
Zuraida, you gotta have heart in what you do. Its referring to doing the writing itself, not the content of the writing per se.
Hahaha. Deep la kononnya.