Thursday, October 29, 2015

Conflict

I hate being in conflict. The thing about conflicts are no matter how strong I look and how cold or chill I may seem, I have always been the one to be very nervous and anxious inside. Despite being able to be very vocal at some point in expressing my opinions, I usually tend to regret even saying anything about it later (especially when it involves high pitched notations) and later find it difficult to breathe, eat or sleep. I feel quite suffocated inside. At the end of the day its just very tiring holding the fort all-together. I feel like taking my lights out but obviously I am not that crazy just yet, so no - lights are kept on and on and on. 

And so the cycle continues. On and off.

Hell yeah, I am very very terrible at dealing with conflict.

Its even worse if by somewhat twisted fate the conflict tends to prolonged to a couple of days (or maybe even weeks)....I might end up to turn into a nervous wreck. And seriously, it might sound crazy but some (or maybe many) won't even notice that I am actually in a conflict situation because I tend to play ignorance and divert my attention elsewhere.

I know. Not good. 

I should be taking it all in like an adult. Gulp away all the horrors and man up about it.

But I am a coward. Hati tisu. Always end up being the one giving in. But at the end do they even appreciate it? I mean the fact that I actually gave in. After a while its more like a sign of weakness. Being taken for granted and all.

Sigh.

I want to believe that I am stronger than this. Wiser after all this years.

Now I just gotta believe it.


Monday, September 7, 2015

Do you spotify?



Okay....call me la ketinggalan zaman ke whatever but I recently dabbled with spotify and gosh I love it way better than my AppleMusic.

Bahahahaha.

Apple traitor.

:P

Anyways my friend had been buzzing about this app since last year ad being an apple hardcore fan I said nah.....I can live without but omg they have way cooler playlist than AppleMusic in which buat I sangat la berbelah bahagi.

*grin*

I don't know why but the playlist macam plays exactly the right music for work or play. Tak payah susah susah fikir nak create playlist sendiri or be stuck with one particulr singer - which I usually do when I'm on AppleMusic sebab the playlist macam hmmmm....how to say? Dunno. But whatev's, with spotify I can also click jazz or house and omg in minutes I'm already grooving.

*major love*

Harus la tak lama lagi aku unsubscribe AppleMusic tu. And just keep whatever I have.

Oh its playing Selena Gomez's "Good For You". :). Now lets find that on Smule and try karoke over it.

:)

Tuesday, June 23, 2015

New beginning

Happy Ramadhan everyone.

I have been taking my own sweet time transitioning into my new role. My last week in my prior workplace was cool...I managed to smoothly hand over my work, pack my bags and say goodbye to everyone a day before my last day because of my company's AGM. Its been a tradition that AGM day is usually the most laid back day since for the past 3 years - its good to get the chance to bid my farewell in person with people I have been working with over good food and conversation.

*grin*

I have to confess that I almost felt a tad sentimental whilst giving my farewell speech to the department. Despite all odds they felt like family. It was nice of them to get me an IKEA gift card - will definitely put it to good use in the future.

Whilst everyone is expecting for me to get a couple of days (perhaps weeks) off before I start at a new place, I didn't even bother to unpack my stuff and started at the new office the next day. Within the same week I dragged my old stationeries (even my green froggie coin box) and unpacked them at my new (ehhhmm, sort of previously owned by me too) desk.

Dejavu much?

Hahahahah. Yeah.

Within the blink of an eye I was buzzing around the office reconnecting with familiar faces and before you know it, it's like I never left.

In a way being back gave me a tad of relief. Not that the workload will be any different - work is work....it can pile up as we speak - but at least I get to work at a pace I am comfortable at. No more worrying not knowing about ad-hoc jobs. Not that I am complaining la. But too much ad-hoc jobs is not a good thing too. Plus the hours are more friendly. 

*Jangan aku tetiba bosan sudah. Yes, I know. Mengada la sangat*

But so far it has been good. Thank heavens it has been providing me with the escape I need from my emotional roller coaster. Focusing on work is always a good thing.

Now back to my to do list. 

Less than an hour to go before closing time. Till later. xo!

Monday, June 1, 2015

Its serious shit coz I'm counting days....

Finally!

I tendered my resignation!

Okay this post is almost 2 weeks too late but what the heck.....tak tahan dah nak merempan.

*grin*

I have been itching to leave for a long time. Obviously, I can't survive the crazy working hours. I am closing in to my 3rd year in my existing role as a corporate kucirat and I rasa some of my brain cells dah depleted for life dah - macam I dah used up my lifetime ability to run a think tank above my shoulders and light bulb moments seems dah almost non-existent. Nak contribute macam mana pun tak tau dah - I am mostly just exhausted and felt pushed around. I don't feel any form of self actualisation feeling at all.

They say lack of sleep can severely impact brain function. Add unhealthy eating habits and stress into the mix, I believe I am writing an early death cert for myself.

And I haven't even have children yet.

Sigh.

Some of my friends already have 4. Most of them are passing 2.

Imagine what will happen to my kids if I do sign on early to the boat heading to the afterlife? What will happen then? Poor kiddos.

Sobs.

Ah well....considering my t-leaving date gets nearer and nearer, my workloads gets lighter and lighter. Too bad its quarter close, so despite not being as cray cray as previous quarter, I still need to glue myself to my desk and work an extra mile so that I can clean up my desk as soon as the quarter deadline is over. I am also doing a paper this semester, which is due on 2nd august and I am still obliviously clueless on what I need to do. Kenapa la aku sign up sambung belajar ni - obviously I was out of my mind when I signed up a couple of years back and was over-confident on my ability to pull it through. Sigh. My batchmates are playing cheerleaders by my sidelines and keep on repeating over and over again that I am just over reacting and that all will be good once I put my mind into it but then that's just it.....what if my mind is not into it??

So far the only thing that kept me going is the money that I have invested (it came out of my retirement fund...so I am thinking 10, no 100 times on wasting it!) and the fact that Ikmal had vouched for my MyBrain grant last year - I don't want to dissapoint my guarantor, as much as I had invested in me....him signing on kinda shows that he believes that I can do it myself (In which now I am crawling.....like crawling macam snail!!!) - so no I can't dissapoint him.

Sigh.

I so need a holiday.

A bestie of mind from a former work place, Zita, is getting married on the 5th and I felt so bad for not being able to make it for her big day. Its on a Friday and in Penang and serving my notice, I can't take leave till my last working day so here I am bumped up. I so wanna go....I dah lama tak jumpa itu makcik and I know for sure if I see her I will be suddenly oh-so-positive because she is such a big ball of sunshine. Hopefully we could catch up either before or after the wedding. She would be busy, but gotta catch her before she boards back for Heathrow after the wedding.

Apart from that there is much to look out for this week such as....

...Shasha's bday do on Weds. Its been a while since we girls catch up so not to be the one neglecting her friends, I should start pencilling sessions in my calendar to make up for things and what better way to start than celebrating my bestie's birthday.

...my cousin Veronica is coming to town on Thurs - my mom insisted we should meet. To bring my siblings too. Well okay ma, if she calls me we'll catch up. Poor girl have only a day in KL and she might want to party with her friends - cant be the program wrecker cousin now.

*grin*

....oh gotta remind myself to call the girls for karoke. I need to karaoke. 

*grin*

8pm and still at work.

Gotta sign out and get back to work.

Laters.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Sigh

Relationships are super exhausting.

Sigh.

Am I trying too hard?

Sigh

It has never been this hard before. I feel like I'm going out of my mind. Sebab seriously, if its meant to be....why is it so damn difficult? Yang never meant to be dulu pun not as hard as this.

Sigh.

Okayla. Back to work.




Tuesday, March 31, 2015

10 minute rant

Off late, it felt like I am experiencing a premature summer hours minus the sun and the sand.

The days seems long (and longer) and nights cut short. My standard hours starts at about 8ish am to as late as 3am to 4am the next day - leaving only about 5 hours of downtime. I am not kidding when I sing song and kata I am swamped because I am seriously tired. 

And I have so much on my plate. Work is crazier than ever. Deadlines kept being pushed forward as if tomorrow's doomsday. Because I spent so much time at work my studies had been lagging. Tak buat sepatah haram pun reading (apalagi writing) during this 3 months study break. 

My motivation is super low.

Not that I don't want to excel - I felt a bit stuck there. Macam ada a huge road block in front of me and its taking a lot of energy to get through this.

Somehow yoga cushions the blow.

Been practicing a bit this past 2 weekends and had an amazing time during anna sugarman's workshop last saturday. For a moment, I felt a gush of energy, a form of lightness. In fact, I felt a lot better.


This lil yogi has so much peace and love her practice is exactly what I needed. Manage to get a couple of days of good night sleep over the weekend before work starts taking over my nights again yesterday.

So much for Mondays la kan. 

Sigh.

I have high hopes that this is not permanent though. This feeling of being stressed out, overworked, tired. I believe this is just a season - it too shall pass. Over the past couple of years I have been looking at my work demands and busy schedule positively - that its temporary and part of my future investment. But off late people close to me had been questioning my work commitments - to a point that its troubling me. Its not true to say I don't care. I somewhat care. And its bugging me.

It came to a point that it became so difficult I asked myself "apa sebenarnya end game ni? kenapa susah sangat?".

Trust me, no matter how solid and strong I look at the outside, aku ni sebenarnya hati tisu in inside. Lately banyak hari kot I try to hold back tears inside me and just take everything one day at a time.

Sigh.

So now....time for that one deep breathe and back to work.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Terkenangkan rumahku yang bagai tongkang pecah

I had time off earlier today to attend to a few personal matters - as I woke up this morning I realise that my house is a freaking mess! Sigh. My normal routine for the past couple of weeks was work work work - came home just to sleep - barely even made my bed then go back to work work work and repeat. Thank God ada time sikit nak cuci kain. But then I wish I can spare some time rearranging my stuff ; at least my luggage from my previous london/paris trip that is still untouched in my living room.

Messy sungguh rasa.

Tapi tak boleh buat apa. Woke up, showered, left the building. Yet again.

Maybe this coming weekend.

Laters.


Monday, March 23, 2015

Swamped...but definitely looking forward...

Wow it has been ages!

3 words - I am swamped. Work is cray cray - missed a lot on life because work is kinda demanding right now but I know this stormy days shall pass. 

It has been a stressful 3 weeks, and its not helping that my home-front is not stable too. I suppose its normal for couples to fight but recent turn of events has really gotten me agitated.I don't know if I have enough strength to brave this through - I just hope that at the end I can still hold on to myself.

To have courage. And be kind.

So last weekend I broke my bank and decided that just this one time I should give myself a break - so I invested in a 3 day detox cleanse and bought my yoga pass for the next 3 months. I need some zen, a center. I think some time in the past 6 months I have somewhat lost myself, and its hurting me.

When in pain, yoga is good.

Especially when one of your yoga healers is a yoga rockstar.


Just gotta love my yoga home - they just bring amazing people.

Can't wait.

xoxo.

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

#notetoself

I am human.

From time to time, I forget that the one person who can truly love me is myself. Hence, I end up loving someone else more than my own.

At some point this is not a bad thing. In fact, its natural. But then to some extreme, I lose myself.

Because when I love someone too much I open up the part of me that's fragile. A friend once told me that when I love someone I am beyond myself - I give and love with my all. That's dangerous. Because that's the part of me that can be broken. That can be hurt.

And others, just like me at the time when I still love myself....can be selfish.

So when the person I love starts being selfish, knowingly or not....they hurt me.

Time and time again I remind myself that such things happens. That's it part and parcel of life. But then again, there is no excuse to not take care of myself.

No excuse for not drinking more H20 than I am now.

Or to skip gym time.

To miss salon and facial appointments.

Raincheck on coffee with the girls.

I should have known that I am losing myself when I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore.

How did I lose myself this time?

Sigh.

Recently I hit the bottom of the wheel barrel and as I look at the mirror, I see a complete stranger. One that's washed up, tired, exhausted - and all of a sudden I aged by 10 years in a flash. 

God, how did I get here?

Perhaps I relied too much on the love of others I forget I am best when I love myself too. Now when I felt lost it seems pretty clear that I should have given me more care in the first place.

So #notetoself - here's to trying to fall in love with me again - and hopefully along the way pick up the pieces to make it where I want to be,

Oh that addiction to apple products.....

Last weekend was pretty horrid. Dah la penat because I worked late all week, weekend kena kerja tambah lagi pulak dengan an unexpected circumstance yang seriously makes me cringe - I can't believe how my week can get any worse.

Sigh.

The highlight of my weekend is the death of my "barely-alive" iphone 4 which serves as my back up for the diving Iphone5.  Patah kaki sekejap. I can't really live without my iphone. The last 4 months on the Iphone4 pun I am barely surviving - such a pitiful state of being for me sebab Iphone tu habis berplaster sana sini after it hit the floor super hard when I touched down at CDG Paris.

In some way Iphone tu is like me ....broken. Worn. Beyond pre-loved.

Sape la yang nak sayang aku ni weyh?

Sobs.

And so with tears I buried it away - and jumpstart my backup BB curve I kept for travelling. Its been merely two days on BB and now I am itching to get the new Iphone 6.

Sobs.

Dah la I'm saving money for the wedding. For once I felt like just going on impulse and get the new phone coz seriously, my life macam down gila with limited access to instagram, FB and twitter - tambahan lagi no access at all to my itunes playlist. Macam dah tak bermakna.

Still contemplating. Not sure if its the right thing to just spend the savings.

:(

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Holla Paris.....

 8 weeks back at a corner of Avenue Des Champ Elysees...


No I'm so not lost!

In fact - Paris was like home.

I love that city.

After 5 days of shopping in cold London, setting foot in Paris is like heavensent. We manage to find lots of good food, among my fav is the grilled salmon bagutte we found at the winter bazaar along Champs Elysees itself and the nutella waffles that you can basically find everywhere in Paris.

*grin*

And of course, more coffee. Lots of macarons (now my favourite, I use to not quite get the fad over macarons till I get a taste of it at Laduree, Paul and Pierre Hermee) and pastries (apple pie, tiramisu, pan au chocolat) . I can not seem to get enough of everything. I can still find Pret-A-Manger, but of course - I give in to local cafes to chill while waiting for my partner in crime to shop.

Yeah, halfway through the visit I decided to just sit at a corner and read a good book while sipping cappucinos. So parisian I tell you.


Pics to come. Most of it is with Shaz anyway.

Laters.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

On juggling time to make ends meet

I am so tired.

If I can just stay at home and not go out for a week or two life will be utter bliss. Just me at home, do yoga whenever I want, have ice cream, lounge at the living room while watching my tv series (I missed a few weeks, so I have about 150 or so episodes to catch up to) and read a good book seems heavenly. But such thoughts memang impossible la to materialise - workload had been crazy since I came back in January sampai tido pun is no longer part of necessity - its now labeled luxury. These days I spent weekdays till past midnight at my very own desk and even worked weekends work seems to be flowing in never ending.

Up to a point I think some of my friends are already writing me off. Not to be paranoid ke apa kan, but then I see them less and less these days and more so, we seem to even lose touch over phone and whatsapp. Sedih la jugak a lil bit. Sebab you know you were left out. Sigh, But then what to do. The whole thing will eventually blow over, so just ride it out je la I suppose. Tetiba nak emo tak tentu pasal ni pun tak elok jugak. There are better use of my time with the piling work - study lagi, wedding preps lagi - nanti ke laut semua baru tau kalau fikir bukan-bukan.

Sigh.

Its March already - making the wedding a mere 5 to 6 months away. Before I left for my holidays in December I got a list of to-do's from my bestie Joanna so that I can gage exactly what I need to do and figure out when I should do it by. She's super detailed in accounting for the cost and time for her wedding so her input is priceless. I came up with a slightly simplified version of it for myself (okay la - from 10 spreadsheets, to 1 spreadsheet - thats quite simplified kan?) and from there on, built a budget for the upcoming August wedding. I think the whole thing came in time for me to parcel my wedding preps into bite size pieces that I can handle - thus avoiding me from panicking and turning bridezilla mode on.

Winks.

So far things are falling quite well. Got a lot of things checked, some ready to role by May. Since I'm trying to make sure that the whole cost is not extortious, I am keeping a close tab on expenses and cash flows - thus pushing my multitasking and negotiating skills to a whole new level. My eyes turn all blue looking at various wedding stuff online - I hope to put all this to rest pretty soon so I can focus solely on work and not worry about preps.

Semalam was home at 2am - I was swamped and I just chuck my stuff at one corner and doze off to la la land. This morning I missed 10 alarms and woke up at 10ish - yikes. Memang sah la lambat. Nak pull myself to work pun takes a lot of effort - I felt so sluggish and hoped that maybe another hour of sleep may make me feel slightly better but hell no - its 330pm now and I still feel exactly the same.

I need a break.

Perhaps I should check on whats the best day to take a day off because rest is good.

Laters.

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

My free and easy London story

Its been a while since I shared much of my travel photos - gambar from HK and Istambul trip last year pun simpan sesaje je dalam hard disk for my eyes only.  Not that I am short of choices of photos to post - there was just too many I can't really decide which to post anyway.  I don't really feel like writing a travel guide because over the past year my travels were simply out of whim and mostly on a free and easy basis - no stress to catch any form of sights or whatsoever so in that sense I didn't really bother to compare prices and whatnot, I simply just winged it and hope for the best.

Bertuah kan?

But then so far all my travels are within a certain budget and since it meets that particular pool of funds then I have no complaints but just had as much fun as I can.

The latest trip to London and Paris was no different.


I suppose its no big deal - a lot of people I knew had already set foot in this two places. I never cared much to visit it since I prefer beach holidays anyway. But then I can't scoot off for summer (or at least autumn) holidays last year because my sister got married in August so end up last year dapat la winter holiday.

Looking back I am now positive that I am not a winter person. For starters, the cold is such a hassle. Snow is overrated. It requires a lot of effort (and energy) to dress up. There's a lot of luggage to carry - its a nightmare la kalau lift hotel tu macam lagi kecik dari luggage. There is no way you could ever look thin in a winter jacket and lastly - I hate the pale look I carry through out the photos. The only time I look slightly okay is when I actually put on make up - in which I hate doing especially during holidays.

Sigh.

I miss the effortless chic I exude when I am sunkissed. I suppose Bali, Maldives and Hawaii is more my thing.

Grin.

But knowing me I never not have fun during a holiday. I am so easy to please with food and culture - and both London and Paris has lots of food and culture to enjoy.


For starters - I love Costa and Pret-A-Manger. I never thought there would come a day when I'd trade Starbucks for any other coffee chain in the globe but guess what, I only step foot in Starbucks in London and Paris to get those city mugs I collected, then quickly dash to the next Pret-A-Manger or Costa at the corner for either a coffee fix or the hot chocolate with marshmallows. I gotta say that cup of hot chocolate is simply divine and made exactly to my liking. Their coffee is a bit bitter, but its still fine. My fav at Pret-A-Manger on the other hand is their tuna melt or vegetarian wraps - which is to die for. Kenapa la kat KL takde benda ni? Its so simple yet very tasty. Especially when the wrap is all heated and the weather is cold....rasa macam saje nak beli banyak-banyak and sambung makan lagi.

Second off their fish and chips is simply out of the world. Selalunya fish and chips is just plain normal to my liking, its not something I'd crave for tapi kat London ni kalau tak try fish and chips dia memang rugi.

My travel buddy and I made a point to try local restaurants while we were there. The first few nights after the theater show we had light supper and cakes at a quaint italian restaurant in west end, and before we left we tried Jamie Oliver's Union Jack restaurant at Covent Garden.


The que was long, it took us 20 minutes before we got a table. The restaurant is located in an open market so we listened to people busking at the market while waiting and having dinner. The air was super pleasant, everyone seems to be on a holiday mood. Its past xmas and boxing day but there's still a considerable amount of shoppers hauling their sprees.
  


We ordered fish and chips (obviously!), pizza in pesto and salmon on rye.

Besides food, the highlight of my trip is experiencing my first west end theater production.

I was lucky that we stayed at Covent Garden which is smacked at the centre of all things artsy and culture. Across the corner to our hotel (we stayed at the Travelodge @ Covent Garden) are rows and rows of small theaters and production houses, with various shows running every night imaginable from famous titles such as Mathilda, Cats and Mamma Mia to the less famous once we barely heard of.

And it seems like the place was never short of people since most productions are sold out every night when we were there.

Ticket prices range from merely 20 pounds and up to over 100 pounds. Of course famous shows will be more pricey. I remember Mathilda was going for about 60 pounds, while Mamma Mia was almost 90 pounds per ticket.

Since I didn't budget that much for a ticket, so we opted for a new upcoming show called Memphis.


We got the early bird ticket (which is sold super early in the morning when the box office opens at 10am) and lucky us we got front row seats to a full house show. During the whole show I was simply mind-blown - its a musical and the arrangements, dances and vocals were simply amazing. Its worth every penny paid and more.

Thirdly I love the fact that London can be explored on foot. Their public transportation system is easily accessible and their roads are walker-friendly. When we arrived in London it was christmas day so most of the shops were closed - meant no shopping of course, but despite all odds, we manage to cover a lot of grounds on foot. In fact, I remember walking throughout the central zone from one end to another on xmas day itself!

During my stay I manage to catch a stroll at Hyde Park and Kensington Park - in which is amazing despite the cold weather because we rarely find such chill places back home.





If the park is not your thing don't worry - there's lots of attractions ; museums, art galleries, London tower, the big ben.

Sebulan pun tak abis visit I tell you.

Too bad Harry Potterland tix were sold out. Boohoo.


Nevertheless I sampai la jugak to Platform 9 and 3/4 kat St Pancras. Nak tangkap gambar dengan trolley tu but look at the line - hazab okay nak beratur so sampai situ je la then cepat-cepat lari lepak kat Costa.

Dasar pemalas. Lazy bum la katakan.

My 5 days in London is not complete without shopping!

We caught London's boxing day just in time and experienced the craze at Harrods and Oxford Street. People shop as if its the end of the world. 

Sorry no shopping pics. Insan punya la ramai macam kiamat sudah - tak kuasa la nak sibuk tangkap gambar. But it was super fun because the bargains were simply to die for. Kalau ada duit memang heaven.

Winks.

I should have done a flatlay of my shopping haul. But my room was so itsy bitsy - lepas shopping terus campak barang masuk luggage then forget about it till I get home to KL.


Okla - that's it.

Laters!

Monday, February 23, 2015

Here's to celebrating my loves

How was your long weekend?

:)

Was at work on Thursday - god bless that most of the stuff I need to do was done on Thursday itself so I get to have Friday to Sunday off. Not that bad huh? But I was really tired.....my body is somehow not working with me this round. I am starting to have my insomnia episodes - my eyes wide open at midnight, having trouble sleeping or stay in bed at night....the long hours making me emotionally and mentally tired. Sometimes I wish I can just drop everything and hide in some remote island without a single care to the world but then all those tinggal mimpi je la.

:P

Tried to catch up with some yoga but my body prefers sleep more.

Here's a snap at YOTIW new studio in Saville.


As always - that studio is awesome.

Its huge with lots of space and the sun beams through the window with so much love. But of course I love the DP studio more - YOTIW DP is like home. For the past half year it has been a solitude that I am ever so grateful for. I wish I could spend more time there. Practice more. My fiance always say that I am more zen when he first met me (oh yes, when we first met I spend almost every day at the DP studio) - now I am just a huge chunk of mess. Sigh. But then he did add on that despite all odds he loves me anyway. Hehehehe. So huge mess or zen'ed out - either way he's in for keeps.

*fly to the moon*

Too bad I missed the workshop last weekend. It would have been fun. But its okay - another month till everything settles down at work and then I can get back to my normal yoga routine - hopefully back to my 4 times a week practice before my long hiatus in November.

*winks*

And since I didn't have to work on Friday, I manage to catch my girlfriend's birthday party at Kokopelli's on Friday night.


Remember the chill babes?

It's raf and shaz's birthday celeb last Friday and of all theme parties its princess themed. Hence the princess cake, the princess hat and whistleblowers. The kids (not ours) were ecstatic....the moment the cake were out the guest list expanded immediately to include the whole restaurant - suddenly it didn't feel formal but so homey - macam buat kat rumah. Everyone in the restaurant sang the birthday song and they get to blow the candles twice because the kids (not ours) insisted that wanted to blow candles too.

*grin*

I knew them for 10 years now and its crazy like that every time. Obviously being stressed all week/month made me walk in the party with frown lines and a downside loop on my face but look at the pics - I had a good time no?

*grin*


Here's to another 10 or 20 years,

xoxo.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

CNY at work

Happy Chinese New Year Peeps!

I have been stressed out, cranky and moody since the past 3 days and despite today being the CNY hols, I am currently stuck at work because of my annual year end deadline crunch so here I am - finally succumbing to a slice of black forest cake while trying to figure out my work related algebras.

I love my algebras but there's just too much of number crunching and formula figuring since last Monday I am sort of burnt out.

Sobs.

Added to my stress eating list today is a slice of roti canai, two nescafe tarik, a bottle of coke and a bag of ruffles (which is just screaming to be opened right about now).

Sigh.

Not that I am hungry in any way. No sir. I am very much full. Hunger does not demand all this sugar, salt and carbs - stress does.

I still have quite a long list to do. I have been trying to look at the brighter side by parcelling my "to-do"list in small post its - they say if you take it in bite-size pieces it might just be more bearable hence we can get things done much faster but ho ho ho - no. It's not helping. Bite size pieces or not I keep on adding more post its and end up re-arranging the post its in order of priority again and again and again.

I might just go post it crazy.

It doesn't take that long though to gush down the whole slice of black forest cake.

Sigh.

Okay hate it if I crush people's holiday mood so I am signing off. Hope your day is way better than mine.

Laters.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Apa ni????

Its a sunny tuesday morning. The AC in the office is forever chilled - as if trying its level best to match the weather in UK and the sun shone right through the windows reminding the rest of us that no- its no winter. Its smacking hot out there. Go to work.

My schedule is kinda laid back all morning - having most of my to do list crossed by the time I leave the office yesterday. I had high hopes in hitting the gym later so I've packed my gym bag for my after work run. Such blissful thoughts. Sekali nanti around 5pm dapat kerja. Macam tak biasa. Lepas tu miss the gym run. Semua tinggal angan-angan.

Sigh.

And since I have some free time I decided to pay some bills. Oh my, dah dekat tengah bulan la kan baru nak bayar bil. Memang sengaja tempah maut. I think my home wifi has been temporarily disconnected - menggelupur la sekejap kan since nowadays all the tv series dah start balik. If I don't have wifi nanti tak boleh download!!! So no can do, ini soal hidup mati ni. I can live with not going to the movies for a while but please do not stop my access to free movies and tv series - nanti naik tak betul nanti.

So alkisahnya I have been trying to get into the unifi website all morning but......with no success.

Apa ni???

Asyik dc je. Lepas tu kena log in balik. Then it takes ages to generate the bill in which nanti dc lagi halfway then the whole cycle starts again - tak pernah la nak sampai kat page "PAY BILL".

Wtf?

Nanti tak bayar complain.

Sobs.Nak bayar pulak tak boleh.

Sobs.

I am giving up. Later je la.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Cooing over babies, fretting over wedding woes and dreaming of chia seed pudding

Spent the weekend at my future MIL's place last weekend and had a blast playing with baby Azra. That bundle of joy is such a cutie pie she makes me totally forget about practically everything - all I want to do is play with her all day like my very own russian doll.

*grin*

My future MIL kept on cooing that it seems like we will be making one of our own as soon as the wedding is over and done with but I'm not really sure about it. Sebab personally main-main dengan anak orang is not the same thing like having one of your own. There's definitely a lot more to it. But then I suppose god knows best and good things will come when the time is right - so it could be next year, or the year after....who knows. I am in no position to argue with fate. Kalau ada pun tak pe, kalau takde pun I have 2 nieces and another baby nephew i think coming soon from my fiance's side so for the next 1 to 2 years I can keep my hands full cooing on my in law's kids.

*grin*

Spending time at future in laws also brings up some awkward q's about the wedding. Well its understandable that everyone is excited - tapi its also a bit weird that I am not freaking out about it just yet and hasn't done much for the big day considering now its February already.  I don't know why there are times when I feel like running away and hiding myself every time q's are raised and I blush all of a sudden and felt like I'm in a hot seat at the smallest of question (like dah tempah baju ke belum? Duh!!!! Soalan macam tu pun rasa panas!). Maybe because I know myself too well - that if I start taking things seriously I might get things out of hand and I might (in fact scratch that - perhaps the better word is I will) turn into a bridezilla.

It happened before. Ok segan nak admit tapi its the truth. And I don't really like myself back then. Not that I hated me - I just don't like what I had became back then. Too bad I can't take back certain things that had happened and I macam regret it - so I am not letting it happen again.

Sigh.

Nanti bila jadi bridezilla yang mangsanya my mom.

Poor her.

Sobs.

In some ways I wanna jadi like my sister - very patient, Steady je, I suppose she is a stronger person than me being able to take care of my mom and all and that quality is so admirable. Aku yang kakak ni kadang-kadang pun fius pendek, cepat je angin kan.  I never heard a single peep telling me that my sister experience any form of mental meltdown preparing for her wedding and at the same time caring for my mom during her chemo sessions last year. Aku je yang over.

And I should have been a better example.

Sigh.

Anyways - I shouldn't keep such things in mind too much. Tak bagus pikir benda benda negative ni. Thank goodness my kakak bestie nina sweettooth made me this delish looking chia seed pudding for lunch and I can't wait to dig in my spoon into my very own jar.


Okay. I ni memang tak malu sikit komen kat insta orang and then mintak satu for myself but wouldn't you want a jar of that???
\
Nanti I dah dapat I post ok.

Till later!

xoxo

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Is this caffeine withdrawal??


Who could resist morning coffee??

Obviously that person is not me.

:(

I remember the cold winter mornings in Paris when I was awaken by the smell of freshly brewed coffee from the room next door. The smell of hot fresh press (though I doubt its anything complicated but something that comes out of a stick) fills the cold air like sun fills the morning sky. Absolutely refreshing. Reminds me of how I miss brewing my own cup of coffee (yes, I make my own coffee a few years back and carry them to work in one of my many novelty flask that's collecting dust in my kitchen now) and how much I love the smell to linger.

Sigh.

Which brings me to the fact that I made a pact with Shaz to quit coffee for a bit in the name of beauty.

Why say you?

The thing is I (again) am trying to lose weight. (old news but yeah!). One of my main culprit is coffee. The exact culprit is the coffee that my friendly office tealady made for me religiously twice a day. Not that I am complaining, I need my caffeine shots. Its crucial when I need to get my work done pronto. But the thing is twice a day is a bit much la kan? And we are not talking about black coffee here - there a generous amount of sugar and milk too - condensed milk (scream now!). So yeah....there you go - culprit.

Secondly I have been experiencing extreme dry skin recently. My face is peeling (in this weather) and its not a good sight. I rasa macam I ada melanin deficiency something and I can feel skin peeling off at the jawline. Perhaps I am dehydrated - so am taking more water but then I don't think consuming coffee would help.

Plus I am thinking of trying collagen stuff and to consume those stuff apparently you have to quit coffee.

I can not go cold turkey.

:P

So here I am at 11am gulping as much H20 as possible and caffeine deprived.

This is my sort of last resort since I tried a bunch of creams this past 2 weeks and its not helping much. Sure, my skin is not peeling as bad but then after 2 weeks of slathering potions and still having dry skin (which is so not me because I am more of a oily to combination kind) is not a good sign.

Lets see how this all will pan out. Hopefully things will get better.

Its one more day to the long weekend!!!!! 

Usually I will be psyched! Who wouldn't? 4 straight days of holidays! But I am still broke from my recent trip (entah bila la nak recover...) so macam sedih la sebab maybe I will end up just staying at home doing nothing, which is a huge bummer.

:P

Anyways, I hope you guys have a good long weekend.

Laters!

Monday, January 26, 2015

The thing about old flames....

Any of you read the news today?

*hoho tetiba je cerita pasal news kan....tak pernah pernah!!!*

Well to tell you the truth I felt the need to catch up with current events since I need a to make a turning point in the near future (okayla, perhaps not so near in the future but I wanna keep my options open for the time being....hence, gotta read the papers) but then being me kalau baca papers pun nak baca business section tu memang agak payah la (because seriously, lambat nak digest sometimes. penat) in which is not a good thing but hey.....have hopes people, I still do read them. I'll get there. Heheheh.

Anyways.....

...what caught my eye today is an article of a 69 year old englishmen hunting down his ol'flame through an article which came up at one of the front pages - definitely beats boring GST articles.


In the article the guy (Holbrook) met Fiona (aka Wan Jamilah - orang dulu pun ada nama glamer okay, who would have thought Jamilah could turn into Fiona? This is not a shrek movie okay) while he was serving in the army and apparently their engagement was cut short after he got transferred for dating a local.



Omg Fiona ni agak sexxayyy! Phewwit!

Okay melampau di situ. Lets behave here.

Since then he never married. Now he's back (after 3 decades) to reconnect because she is the love-of-his-life. Since she's no longer living at her old place (he checked them out 9 years ago - zilch!), so he's getting the public's help to track her down.

Aww.

But then why la come back after more than 3 decades?

If its true love then why take so long??

Men.

Sheesh.

At first thought I felt "omg, romanticnye the whole story" but then to come to think of it, isn't it a bit selfish? Like seriously, you got disengaged for a while know haven't it crossed your mind that perhaps she had settled down and have a family of her own because you tau la org dulu dulu bukan macam kita sekarang ni - onyang i kawin masa she's 8 years old and bless her soul she had 4 husbands before she was laid to rest.

God bless her soul.

Plus zaman sekarang with FB and all takkan la tak jumpa fiona ni online....

But the who knows. Maybe they are destined to be together and this is a step forward.

I suppose God's knows best.

Talking about old flames I don't believe a relationship can work if you have been disconnected for a long time. Of course, you have history together and you once loved each other, but despite all odds, I think if it doesn't work the first time, try as you may it would never work the second, third, fourth or the hundreth time around. Because people change, and when you re-kindle relationships we tend to have a set of pre-expectations engraved from the past in which may be unrealistic or no longer valid given our personal evolvement.

No matter how good that person looks and feels ok. 

Apa lagi yang dah 3 decades apart.

Well holbrook, best of luck though. I sincerely feel that even if you find this girl of yours she will break your heart but perhaps its better knowing than settle with the fact that she's the one that got away.

Lets start the week with some positivity....

Oh my, its a sunny morning its so hard to stomach the fact that its Monday!

:)

I don't know why but I felt my energy level to be up, up and up. I suppose I'm psyched to finally start dieting again - it's already past 3 weeks since new year and I am still on the bingeing bandwagon. I added a couple of extra belts on my stomach (thanks to my dearly beloved's extremely neat cooking skills - sigh, who can refuse a good home cooked meal? And to have it like all the time? Sigh...too much, too much!). This has got to stop.

:)

Threw away last year's desk calendar to the bin and skimming through my new one and trying to figure out when I can fit some time for gym and yoga. I have to admit that exercising takes time and I somehow has this fear that my fiance wont understand the time spent. Well he's kinda introvert - exercising is not exactly his thing. Trust me - I dah ajak dia okay to come with me a couple of times tapi jangan mimpi la - he lost weight effortlessly I think God is somewhat unfair okay.

:P

Plus gotta jungle work with exercise this coming february. As always, I usually gain weight from February to April because of the long working hours-lack of exy time- and severe lack of sleep routine but then with the wedding coming up I gotta get a grip and break the cycle. Gila la okay aku dah overweight sekarang ni lepas tu I pile up lagi this next 3 months - tak sempat ok nanti nak look good even though puasa bulan 7 ni.

Sobs. Yeah losing weight's a bitch.

But then its always fun to have others do it together.

So mari lose weight beramai-ramai.

Chewah!

Okay now gotta work on that new running playlist for later.

Ciao and have a good weekend ahead.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Study milestone 2015

Have I ever told you I have been dreading my study commitments lately?



Hmmm. Maybe. Maybe not.

Fact is I have somehow lost my sense of purpose after hitting my 3rd years in the program. This January marks my fourth year of the expected 4 and half year course (or maybe 7 years - max - depending on how well I'm to do it) and I don't feel the slightest of motivation. 

Sigh. Apa lah nak jadi dengan kau ni labu.

I suppose work commitments had somehow damper my interest in studies and I am just too exhausted too think anymore. And doing this paper requires me to think (obviously!). Being exhausted, fatigued, stressed at the same time is not helping either.

Sigh.

Last semester was quite a drama. Once I have submitted my paper I just shut my eyes and mind and decided to just not think too much about it and enjoy the year end. Sure, there were post follow up after my submissions to do because apparently more work is needed but I just couldn't care less.

So I ignored all emails.

But deep inside I felt a pang of guilt and regret. I know I am not giving my 100%. I know I could do better. But I am just not up for it. I don't even have the time for it. What does that make me? 

I almost thought that I'd fail the paper for sure. Results were announced the week of my return from my holiday trip and I didn't even bother to check - dreading the inevitable and delaying the knowledge to the very last minute.

Until I got an email from my faculty today informing me of this semester's deadlines. Oh jeez. Nak tak nak I gotta do something about it, I can't just fake ignorance forever.This is something that will not get away.

So I checked my results.

Alhamdullillah. Passed.

All the drama, the worry....for nothing.

Not exactly.

Now that I can move on to the next stage, I feel even more worried.

Sigh.

Gotta calm down and believe that I can do this. I have gone through similar situations before. I never gave up. I shouldn't start giving up now.

*smile*

Chin up. Think good thoughts. And do my best.

Here's to another year!

Cheers!

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

New Year - 13 days late but still....its a new year. :D

Happy New Year Peeps!

*grin*

I closed 2014 with a trip to London/Paris and sumpah lepas balik dari the 2 week long trip tu I am exhausted. Nevertheless I had fun! Loads! I gotta say that two cities is somewhere I can live in - the air, the coffee , the laid backness, the culture - I gotta say the place is beautiful and I wish I can stay longer.

And that coming from a sunny beach bum is something. 

Not to say I never complaint about wanting the sun. I wish there were more sun (of course!). Obviously, despite my newfound love towards the city , I will definitely die in the cold if left there too long.

Sangat khatulistiwa aku ni.

I came back with a 3 day jetlag, spent the whole weekend sleeping and an ear infection.

Sakit okey. Hence the hiatus. And the unpacked bags still screaming for me to tend to (or more like a bunch of  ruins left in my living room). I got a hole in my wallet/purse - these two cities are far from cheap plus there are no interval cities in between to hedge the expenses. But then its okay. I don't know when I'll get to do this again given the big plans I have for this year.

Winks!

This year's resolution is no resolution! Senang nye hidup - macam takde objektif. Carry je la resolution tahun lepas. Try to lose 20 kilos (oh tingginya angan-angan). Live healthy. Exercise more often. Try and practice yoga consistently. Try not to gain so much weight sampai baju kerja semua tak muat (fact!). Keep a religious beauty regime. Drink more H2O. Be kind. Spread light.

Biggest challenge this year is to make it to the wedding day in August. Kalau ikut resam cerita 2 broke girls - my wedding fund is at less than 1k at the moment and the wedding budget is definitely more than that. I have about 7 months to save enough to throw a kenduri, plan a wedding and make sure I don't bust my budget (because whats important is life after the wedding aite?). Before I leave fort my holidays I have been doing some digging for ideas and whatnot, having a pinboard on pinterest sure is fun.

Like something....pin it. Find something interesting....pin it too just in case.

Pin pin pin.

So far I have created about 4 different boards on wedding related matters and been pinning for weeks.

Geek.

Anyways if you guys wanna play guess what zuraida is gonna have on her wedding day perhaps you would like to visit my pinboards for clues.

Just kidding.

I haven't even decided on a theme color yet but I roughly plan to kill my to-do list as I go on this next 7 months. So far I have kick-started a few stuff - decided on the wedding venue (which most likely be switched back to my hometown - sorry kiddos, that month sangat la banyak wedding kat KL ni sampai the date I wanted is snapped since last year....so 2014), came up with a budget that is currently worrying me (and will potentially be a nightmare of sorts, but I am holding my chin up and looking at the bright side),  picked my wedding cake (oh yes! thats a silver lining I love since I got gateuxlicious *grin*) and decided if I have extra money I will upgrade my wedding cake (ha! mimpi!). Over the next month I need to see the tailor, scout a wedding organiser for the event day (pelamin and whatnot), scout for favours - and the list goes on. I suppose by March I should at least have about 40% of the planning done and the rest to roll in motion so that I won't rush towards the end because got knows how crazy my schedule could get at the very last minute and I hate it if I need to rush through things like a mad woman!

:P

Anyways enough wedding talk. I don't wanna bore you....since this is like the second time we are at this. Last we did this a couple of years back I almost turned into a bridezilla in which hello hello I have so learned from my past and I vow not to get too carried with it anymore.

What happens, happens. Yang penting at the end of the day all is done.  I am just hoping for the best, since orang kata nak buat benda baik - hopefully God will ease the whole process till the big day itself.

Guess what?

Tomorrow's already mid week. Weehoo!!! 3 days to the weekend!!!!

xoxo.

Laters!