Have I ever told you I have been dreading my study commitments lately?
Hmmm. Maybe. Maybe not.
Fact is I have somehow lost my sense of purpose after hitting my 3rd years in the program. This January marks my fourth year of the expected 4 and half year course (or maybe 7 years - max - depending on how well I'm to do it) and I don't feel the slightest of motivation.
Sigh. Apa lah nak jadi dengan kau ni labu.
I suppose work commitments had somehow damper my interest in studies and I am just too exhausted too think anymore. And doing this paper requires me to think (obviously!). Being exhausted, fatigued, stressed at the same time is not helping either.
Last semester was quite a drama. Once I have submitted my paper I just shut my eyes and mind and decided to just not think too much about it and enjoy the year end. Sure, there were post follow up after my submissions to do because apparently more work is needed but I just couldn't care less.
So I ignored all emails.
But deep inside I felt a pang of guilt and regret. I know I am not giving my 100%. I know I could do better. But I am just not up for it. I don't even have the time for it. What does that make me?
I almost thought that I'd fail the paper for sure. Results were announced the week of my return from my holiday trip and I didn't even bother to check - dreading the inevitable and delaying the knowledge to the very last minute.
Until I got an email from my faculty today informing me of this semester's deadlines. Oh jeez. Nak tak nak I gotta do something about it, I can't just fake ignorance forever.This is something that will not get away.
So I checked my results.
All the drama, the worry....for nothing.
Now that I can move on to the next stage, I feel even more worried.
Gotta calm down and believe that I can do this. I have gone through similar situations before. I never gave up. I shouldn't start giving up now.
Chin up. Think good thoughts. And do my best.
Here's to another year!