Tuesday, March 31, 2015

10 minute rant

Off late, it felt like I am experiencing a premature summer hours minus the sun and the sand.

The days seems long (and longer) and nights cut short. My standard hours starts at about 8ish am to as late as 3am to 4am the next day - leaving only about 5 hours of downtime. I am not kidding when I sing song and kata I am swamped because I am seriously tired. 

And I have so much on my plate. Work is crazier than ever. Deadlines kept being pushed forward as if tomorrow's doomsday. Because I spent so much time at work my studies had been lagging. Tak buat sepatah haram pun reading (apalagi writing) during this 3 months study break. 

My motivation is super low.

Not that I don't want to excel - I felt a bit stuck there. Macam ada a huge road block in front of me and its taking a lot of energy to get through this.

Somehow yoga cushions the blow.

Been practicing a bit this past 2 weekends and had an amazing time during anna sugarman's workshop last saturday. For a moment, I felt a gush of energy, a form of lightness. In fact, I felt a lot better.

This lil yogi has so much peace and love her practice is exactly what I needed. Manage to get a couple of days of good night sleep over the weekend before work starts taking over my nights again yesterday.

So much for Mondays la kan. 


I have high hopes that this is not permanent though. This feeling of being stressed out, overworked, tired. I believe this is just a season - it too shall pass. Over the past couple of years I have been looking at my work demands and busy schedule positively - that its temporary and part of my future investment. But off late people close to me had been questioning my work commitments - to a point that its troubling me. Its not true to say I don't care. I somewhat care. And its bugging me.

It came to a point that it became so difficult I asked myself "apa sebenarnya end game ni? kenapa susah sangat?".

Trust me, no matter how solid and strong I look at the outside, aku ni sebenarnya hati tisu in inside. Lately banyak hari kot I try to hold back tears inside me and just take everything one day at a time.


So now....time for that one deep breathe and back to work.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

Terkenangkan rumahku yang bagai tongkang pecah

I had time off earlier today to attend to a few personal matters - as I woke up this morning I realise that my house is a freaking mess! Sigh. My normal routine for the past couple of weeks was work work work - came home just to sleep - barely even made my bed then go back to work work work and repeat. Thank God ada time sikit nak cuci kain. But then I wish I can spare some time rearranging my stuff ; at least my luggage from my previous london/paris trip that is still untouched in my living room.

Messy sungguh rasa.

Tapi tak boleh buat apa. Woke up, showered, left the building. Yet again.

Maybe this coming weekend.


Monday, March 23, 2015

Swamped...but definitely looking forward...

Wow it has been ages!

3 words - I am swamped. Work is cray cray - missed a lot on life because work is kinda demanding right now but I know this stormy days shall pass. 

It has been a stressful 3 weeks, and its not helping that my home-front is not stable too. I suppose its normal for couples to fight but recent turn of events has really gotten me agitated.I don't know if I have enough strength to brave this through - I just hope that at the end I can still hold on to myself.

To have courage. And be kind.

So last weekend I broke my bank and decided that just this one time I should give myself a break - so I invested in a 3 day detox cleanse and bought my yoga pass for the next 3 months. I need some zen, a center. I think some time in the past 6 months I have somewhat lost myself, and its hurting me.

When in pain, yoga is good.

Especially when one of your yoga healers is a yoga rockstar.

Just gotta love my yoga home - they just bring amazing people.

Can't wait.


Tuesday, March 10, 2015


I am human.

From time to time, I forget that the one person who can truly love me is myself. Hence, I end up loving someone else more than my own.

At some point this is not a bad thing. In fact, its natural. But then to some extreme, I lose myself.

Because when I love someone too much I open up the part of me that's fragile. A friend once told me that when I love someone I am beyond myself - I give and love with my all. That's dangerous. Because that's the part of me that can be broken. That can be hurt.

And others, just like me at the time when I still love myself....can be selfish.

So when the person I love starts being selfish, knowingly or not....they hurt me.

Time and time again I remind myself that such things happens. That's it part and parcel of life. But then again, there is no excuse to not take care of myself.

No excuse for not drinking more H20 than I am now.

Or to skip gym time.

To miss salon and facial appointments.

Raincheck on coffee with the girls.

I should have known that I am losing myself when I don't recognise myself in the mirror anymore.

How did I lose myself this time?


Recently I hit the bottom of the wheel barrel and as I look at the mirror, I see a complete stranger. One that's washed up, tired, exhausted - and all of a sudden I aged by 10 years in a flash. 

God, how did I get here?

Perhaps I relied too much on the love of others I forget I am best when I love myself too. Now when I felt lost it seems pretty clear that I should have given me more care in the first place.

So #notetoself - here's to trying to fall in love with me again - and hopefully along the way pick up the pieces to make it where I want to be,

Oh that addiction to apple products.....

Last weekend was pretty horrid. Dah la penat because I worked late all week, weekend kena kerja tambah lagi pulak dengan an unexpected circumstance yang seriously makes me cringe - I can't believe how my week can get any worse.


The highlight of my weekend is the death of my "barely-alive" iphone 4 which serves as my back up for the diving Iphone5.  Patah kaki sekejap. I can't really live without my iphone. The last 4 months on the Iphone4 pun I am barely surviving - such a pitiful state of being for me sebab Iphone tu habis berplaster sana sini after it hit the floor super hard when I touched down at CDG Paris.

In some way Iphone tu is like me ....broken. Worn. Beyond pre-loved.

Sape la yang nak sayang aku ni weyh?


And so with tears I buried it away - and jumpstart my backup BB curve I kept for travelling. Its been merely two days on BB and now I am itching to get the new Iphone 6.


Dah la I'm saving money for the wedding. For once I felt like just going on impulse and get the new phone coz seriously, my life macam down gila with limited access to instagram, FB and twitter - tambahan lagi no access at all to my itunes playlist. Macam dah tak bermakna.

Still contemplating. Not sure if its the right thing to just spend the savings.


Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Holla Paris.....

 8 weeks back at a corner of Avenue Des Champ Elysees...

No I'm so not lost!

In fact - Paris was like home.

I love that city.

After 5 days of shopping in cold London, setting foot in Paris is like heavensent. We manage to find lots of good food, among my fav is the grilled salmon bagutte we found at the winter bazaar along Champs Elysees itself and the nutella waffles that you can basically find everywhere in Paris.


And of course, more coffee. Lots of macarons (now my favourite, I use to not quite get the fad over macarons till I get a taste of it at Laduree, Paul and Pierre Hermee) and pastries (apple pie, tiramisu, pan au chocolat) . I can not seem to get enough of everything. I can still find Pret-A-Manger, but of course - I give in to local cafes to chill while waiting for my partner in crime to shop.

Yeah, halfway through the visit I decided to just sit at a corner and read a good book while sipping cappucinos. So parisian I tell you.

Pics to come. Most of it is with Shaz anyway.


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

On juggling time to make ends meet

I am so tired.

If I can just stay at home and not go out for a week or two life will be utter bliss. Just me at home, do yoga whenever I want, have ice cream, lounge at the living room while watching my tv series (I missed a few weeks, so I have about 150 or so episodes to catch up to) and read a good book seems heavenly. But such thoughts memang impossible la to materialise - workload had been crazy since I came back in January sampai tido pun is no longer part of necessity - its now labeled luxury. These days I spent weekdays till past midnight at my very own desk and even worked weekends work seems to be flowing in never ending.

Up to a point I think some of my friends are already writing me off. Not to be paranoid ke apa kan, but then I see them less and less these days and more so, we seem to even lose touch over phone and whatsapp. Sedih la jugak a lil bit. Sebab you know you were left out. Sigh, But then what to do. The whole thing will eventually blow over, so just ride it out je la I suppose. Tetiba nak emo tak tentu pasal ni pun tak elok jugak. There are better use of my time with the piling work - study lagi, wedding preps lagi - nanti ke laut semua baru tau kalau fikir bukan-bukan.


Its March already - making the wedding a mere 5 to 6 months away. Before I left for my holidays in December I got a list of to-do's from my bestie Joanna so that I can gage exactly what I need to do and figure out when I should do it by. She's super detailed in accounting for the cost and time for her wedding so her input is priceless. I came up with a slightly simplified version of it for myself (okay la - from 10 spreadsheets, to 1 spreadsheet - thats quite simplified kan?) and from there on, built a budget for the upcoming August wedding. I think the whole thing came in time for me to parcel my wedding preps into bite size pieces that I can handle - thus avoiding me from panicking and turning bridezilla mode on.


So far things are falling quite well. Got a lot of things checked, some ready to role by May. Since I'm trying to make sure that the whole cost is not extortious, I am keeping a close tab on expenses and cash flows - thus pushing my multitasking and negotiating skills to a whole new level. My eyes turn all blue looking at various wedding stuff online - I hope to put all this to rest pretty soon so I can focus solely on work and not worry about preps.

Semalam was home at 2am - I was swamped and I just chuck my stuff at one corner and doze off to la la land. This morning I missed 10 alarms and woke up at 10ish - yikes. Memang sah la lambat. Nak pull myself to work pun takes a lot of effort - I felt so sluggish and hoped that maybe another hour of sleep may make me feel slightly better but hell no - its 330pm now and I still feel exactly the same.

I need a break.

Perhaps I should check on whats the best day to take a day off because rest is good.