I hate being in conflict. The thing about conflicts are no matter how strong I look and how cold or chill I may seem, I have always been the one to be very nervous and anxious inside. Despite being able to be very vocal at some point in expressing my opinions, I usually tend to regret even saying anything about it later (especially when it involves high pitched notations) and later find it difficult to breathe, eat or sleep. I feel quite suffocated inside. At the end of the day its just very tiring holding the fort all-together. I feel like taking my lights out but obviously I am not that crazy just yet, so no - lights are kept on and on and on.
And so the cycle continues. On and off.
Hell yeah, I am very very terrible at dealing with conflict.
Its even worse if by somewhat twisted fate the conflict tends to prolonged to a couple of days (or maybe even weeks)....I might end up to turn into a nervous wreck. And seriously, it might sound crazy but some (or maybe many) won't even notice that I am actually in a conflict situation because I tend to play ignorance and divert my attention elsewhere.
I know. Not good.
I should be taking it all in like an adult. Gulp away all the horrors and man up about it.
But I am a coward. Hati tisu. Always end up being the one giving in. But at the end do they even appreciate it? I mean the fact that I actually gave in. After a while its more like a sign of weakness. Being taken for granted and all.
I want to believe that I am stronger than this. Wiser after all this years.
Now I just gotta believe it.